I'm sure Mean Mr. Mustard will agree with this

Just some ratings:

• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 85
• The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, 82
• Life, The Universe, and Everything, 78
• So Long and Thanks For All the Fish, 84
• Mostly Harmless, 69
  
  

Bourne cleared of charges; Lund sought for questioning

St. Peter, Minn. (KTL) In a stark reversal from yesterday's activities at Klund's DVD headquarters, super-spy Jason Bourne was cleared from all charges related to the weekend's DVD player breakdown. Authorities now want to question an unnamed suspect who is now believed to be behind the malfunction.

Klund chief investigator Nivek Dnul explained that a Klund DVD technologist took apart the DVD player and found that The Bourne Supremacy was actually placed in the DVD drive on top of The Incredibles. "It seems that the malfunction was due to interaction between the two DVD's. Mr. Incredible and Jason Bourne both think they're the toughest dudes on the block, so naturally any contact between the two of them would cause nasty side effects. We believe that they were intentionally placed in close proximity in order to spark a fight."

Klund investigators are looking for a tall, young and extremely handsome man who was spotted at the scene of the crime moments before the malfunction.

Is it too soon to buy Larry

his birthday present?

Jason Bourne Killed my Toshiba DVD Player

OK, this is stupid, I'm sure. Last night I opened up a brand new DVD - the Bourne Supremacy. I put it in my Toshiba SD-V391 DVD/VCR combo, and it died. The DVD screen said "Reading Disc" and froze. I tried turning it off and then on again, and at that point the thing was officially dead. I couldn't turn it on, I couldn't get the DVD out of the machine. Heck, it wasn't even passing the cable signal on to the TV!

Is it possible for a DVD to kill a player? Or was it just a coincidence? The machine had been working fine up to this point. My only conclusion is that Jason Bourne did some of his super-spy moves on the inside of my DVD player and now it's dead.

Damn, that's not nice.

And the disc is still in there. When I do get the disc out, I'm not sure if I want to try it in our other DVD player. He still might be angry.

Cold Mountain

66.

It would have been in the 30's except for (and I can't quite believe that I'm typing this) the remarkable Renee Zelwegger. She completely saved the movie. I don't think I could have cared less whether or not Jude Law made it back to Cold Mountain and his dear, beloved Nicole Kidman.

The only other redeeming quality of the movie was who Jude met on his trip home. "Hey, that's Phillip Seymour Hoffman!" "Hey, that's Giovanni Ribisi!" "Hey! That's Natalie Portman!"

Naturally he dies immediately after he overcomes unbelievable odds and actually gets home to his honey. (Oh, and after he knocks up Nicole. That's important, too, I think.) It wouldn't have been appropriately tragic if they lived happily ever after.

Whatever.

Watch out, Scooter

Someone in the Netherlands doesn't trust you.

Wait a second!

I thought we defeated the Taliban years ago. Isn't Afghanistan a peaceful, Coca-Cola loving democray now? What gives?

Another Thing I Learned

This obesity epidemic is going a bit too far. I saw plenty of young girls/women Saturday night who were wearing clothes that showed off some of their belly. I would say that, at best, 1 out of 5 should have been dressed like that. Not pretty.

Things learned this weekend

Well, I sure did learn a lot this weekend. In no particular order:

• If I park in the Kellog ramp after an Xcel event I'll probably sit in my van for 20 minutes before even turning it on.
  
• It's amazing what kind of response you can get (as a rock god, of course) by merely remembering where you are. Adam Levine: "St. Paul, Minnesota!" (not "Hello, St. Paul!" or "How are you doing St. Paul?" All he did was name the place.) Crowd: [goes nuts]. "He knows where he is!" Swoon.
• If the line to get into a restaurant stretches into their parking lot, it is by definition a good restaurant.
• Napoleon Dynamite was entertaining, but not "brilliant", "groundbreaking" or "scatological." Klund rating: 72.
  
• Benefit number 47 of being married to a dentist: When you get a salmon bone stuck into your tonsils, your spouse has the tools to easily remove it. (and yes, I feel like a complete idiot for not getting photographic evidence)
• Those bastards at Yahoo! have Cossetta's at the wrong place. Or at least at a location that they occupied probably 50 years ago.
• Pope Benedict XVI prayed not to be elected Pope. I'm sure prayer has its place, but don't you think a well-placed "If elected I will not serve" speech would have been more effective?
• It's sad what I consider learning a lot.
  

Looks like someone is already blogging for Mean Mr. Mustard

Ron's Apartment: Penguicon - Day 1 - part 2

Yippee for you

I really wish that I brought my digital camera with me everywhere, because then I would have been able to provide a picture instead of describing what I saw today. Everyone has seen the bumber stickers that proclaim "My child is an honor roll student at Dumbsville High", or some such nonsense. Apparently there are also bumber stickers for stupid kids. A minivan that I saw today had a sticker which proclaimed, "My child is a Terrific Kid at [some school I can't remember]." Wow. Terrific, huh? That's great.

What a joke

It's a complete and utter outrage that Greg Biffle is ranked number 2. I am deeply hurt and offended.

My high score was 61

But I'm sure that can be topped.

Yikes!

I haven't blogged in 8 days! If I'm not careful I'll be as bad as Mean Mr. Mustard!

Now for Something Completely Different

A Poem:

You're flashing rain ... pouring, rolling.

I'm comin' on across a young sky.

My lightening's only a hurricane.

You're like the thunder, but I'm gonna die.

(Words taken from the first verse of AC/DC's "Hells Bells", then rearranged to my satisfaction. Feel free to play this game at home.)

Holy Crap!

I just realized something:

• Koleman - Name L OK
• Elias - Sail, E
• Milena - An Eli M
• Kelson - No slek

Dear god, what does this portend?

Hey kids! Look!

Santa is dead!

What the hell

do I post on April Fools Day to a blog that is already all lies? The
truth? OK, Kelson just crapped his pants. April Fools! Maybe.

Another reason Scooter won't move to St. Peter

Apparently more
loonies have escaped. It's all good, though, because - according
to Yahoo! - my house is 0.4 miles away from the treatment center. No
worries, then. And it makes me feel safe when the helicopters buzz
right over my house. The kids like to watch the helicopters. "Why are
there helicopters flying over our house, daddy?" "Um, they're looking
for leprechauns!"

A Quote

From Terry Pratchett's Moving Pictures:

... Victer Tugelbend was also the laziest person in the
history of the world. Not simply, ordinarily lazy. Ordinary laziness
was merely the absence of effort. Victor had passed through there a
long time ago, had gone straight through common place idleness and out
on the far side. He put more effort into avoiding work than most
people put into hard labor.

Wiggle While you Work

[Note: I recently hacked into the computer system of the E! Entertainment Network, and downloaded a portion of a transcript. It is from an upcoming show of theirs, "The E! True Hollywood Story: The Wiggles." Unfortunately I only got a small bit of it. Here's what I got:]

...

Narrator: They returned to Australia as conquering heroes, their American tour a success beyond imagination. The Wiggles were on top of the world, with CD's selling millions of copies worldwide and their TV show being broadcast in 25 countries, dubbed into 11 languages. Everything seemed to be going The Wiggles way.

[dramatic pause]

Narrator: However, old demons would soon return to create a rift in The Wiggles harmony. Could this be the end of the foursome?

[commercial break]

Narrator: At the beginning of 2002, the Wiggles were the most successful children's performers in the world. Everything they touched was a success – CD's, videos, merchandise. Those close to the group, however, saw a different picture. The unity of the group was fracturing, and one of the Wiggles was going to face the toughest test of his life.

Maury Steinberg (Jeff's agent): I think Jeff got a little disillusioned. He had always wanted to be a famous singer, but I think he hoped that the girls screaming for him would have been a bit ... older. Not that he didn't get some action. Of course, he told me that if he bagged one more mom with stretch marks and saggy - er, you know - he'd probably kill himself.

Narrator: Jeff had a reputation among the crew of The Wiggles show as someone to avoid. They considered him moody, and tried to avoid his darker side.

James Smythe (producer): Jeff had a definite edge to him off the set. It was what made him the best actor of the group. On stage he was likeable and silly, but off stage he was a beast. All of us who worked on the show stayed out of his way. Greg and Anthony really were as nice as their Wiggles personality, and Murray ... well, Murray was always a bit different, but he never caused any problems for the crew. Jeff ... did some things.

“Dave” (crew member) [face blurred]: There was a new cameraman one time who played a practical joke on Jeff. Stupid, stupid thing to do, but the guy didn't know any better. You could tell Jeff was pissed, even though he didn't say anything. He just stared at the guy. Mike, I think. He called in sick the next few days, and it turned out he was nursing a knife wound. Seemed like more than just a coincidence, but nothing came of it. He quit before he came back to work.

Narrator: Jeff had a history of trouble, and it was about to get much worse.

Bob Smithson (friend): Jeff had been clean for about six years at this point, but I think everything was getting to him. I came over to his place one night and he was in pretty bad shape. I asked him what was wrong. I guess that was a mistake. He told me that if I didn't “stay the **** away from him” it would be the end of me. Now, I know that Jeff doesn't look like the toughest guy when he's got his purple shirt on, but you didn't want to mess with him. He still had a couple of friends from his days running with the Duece gang in Sydney. Greg and Anthony made it clear that those guys could never be anywhere near anything involving the Wiggles, but they would camp out at Jeff's flat for months at a time. There were always rumors about them cleaning up some of Jeff's messes. There was this girl once... Nevermind, let's cut that. I don't want to talk about that.

Narrator: The Wiggles had a three week break after returning from their American tour, and before starting filming on the new season of The Wiggles TV show. During that time Greg and Anthony took their families on a vacation to a resort in India. Murray returned to the privacy of his Gore Hill estates. Jeff, however, returned to his roots, spending much of his time with old friends from the Duece gang and allegedly resuming his heroin habit.

Narrator: Conflicts within the group came to a head in April of 2002, when the group came together at the studio for filming. On the first day of the shoot, Jeff came to the studio two hours late and in a very agitated state. E! has acquired exclusive footage of a confrontation between Jeff and Greg shortly after Jeff arrived on set.

Greg: Damn it, Jeff! Pull yourself together. We're supposed to be filming here and you can't even walk straight? What the hell have you been doing?

Jeff: **** you, Greg! You and Anthony can keep that queer bastard Murray in line, but I'm sick of it. [muttering] I'm going to go take a nap. Isn't that what I do best anyway? “Wake up, you ****bag, Jeff!” I'm out of here. I see that the kids are here. I hope Anthony is in charge of watching Murray today.

Greg: What? Oh, bugger, I've got to go. Listen, just go to your dressing room and relax. We'll talk about this later.

Narrator: But Jeff didn't go to his dressing room. Police reports indicate that less than an hour later he was arrested for propositioning an undercover police agent.

...

Did I mention that I moved away from Fargo?

Not a moment too soon.

Mix and Match (it's been a while)

6. Remains May Be of Oldest Walking Hominid

AP - Mon Mar 7, 8:04 AM ET

A team of U.S. and Ethiopian scientists has discovered the fossilized remains of what they believe is humankind's first walking ancestor, a hominid that lived in the wooded grasslands of the Horn of Africa nearly 4 million years ago.

Full Coverage Sent: 320 times

Who am I?

I heard someone attempt to describe themselves and thought that it would be a worthwhile exercise. So here is how I would describe myself:

Take all of the greatest people in the world, living or dead - the smartest, kindest, best looking, most ingenious people - and combine them together. I'm talking about people like Mother Theresa, Leonardo da Vinci, the three Alberts (Schweitzer, Einstein and Fat), John F. Kennedy, Jesus Christ. Mix all of them together, and then remove the few character flaws and imperfections that each of them had.

Next, take those character flaws and distill them for a thousand years, allowing only the most evil, the most cold-hearted, the most disgusting, and the most vile traits to remain. And truly these traits will be spectacular, for every person has the ability to be evil to the same degree that they are good. Then take the remaining mix and bake it in the fiery furnaces of Hell for another thousand years. Remove it when it is human shaped, pink skinned, and bounces back when pressed lightly.

That's me, I think.

Oh, make sure to keep all the reserved people bits from the first step. If used properly they can be the ingredients to make a Peter Jackson.

Something is so wrong with this

Best Selling artists in USA
In million of units sold:

1. The Beatles, 166.5
2. Elvis Presley, 117.5
3. Led Zeppelin, 106
4. Garth Brooks, 105
5. The Eagles, 88

Source: Recording Industry Association of America

Blogging is all fun and games, until the boss finds out - Feb. 14, 2005

Blogging is all fun and games, until the boss finds out - Feb. 14, 2005

Mean Mr. Mustard and Scooter had better pay attention to this story. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure that no matter what I post I'm not getting fired.

Bwahahahaha!!

I kid you not

This story is easily the best thing I've seen in a long time. It completely restores my faith in humanity.

Lawrence K. Davies

is my new favorite person. Love him!

For Larry

I used the BlogThis! link for the first time, and look what it got me: NaNa!!!: Just Thinking...

If you ask me

There is no better phrase in the English language than "Franky G is Jonny Zero."

Good News

Nothing makes my day like hearing about the death of someone who I had assumed had been dead for a quarter century. Happy times.

Based on the trailer

Constantine looks to be the worst movie made in many years. I'm sure Ming will let us know for sure.

In the Dark of the Night

In the dark of the night the beast awoke. Hungering for flesh, the monster lifted its head, sniffing the air. Somewhere deep in the recesses of its mind there was a flicker of recognition - the scent that it detected was not entirely new. More importantly, the beast understood the simplicity of his night's mission. He must track that scent, find its source, and destroy it; all other activities were secondary to that primal urge.

Arising from its lair, the beast stretched its long, lanky frame. It sniffed the air again, confirming the direction that its travels must go. He began his journey, northward through the forest, slowly at first. As his limbs loosened - how long had I slept? - he increased his speed, until he was nothing more than a blur racing between trees and over streams.

As the cool wind whipped his face, the monster started to remember things. Small bits of information; things learned ages ago in a world so different than the one in which he currently dwelled. I am Yaz-gael. It comforted him to know that he had a name. His pace quickened. The miles flew by.

He remembered being born. The fire searing his flesh. The cruel marks being cut into his legs. The commands written into the very fabric of his being. Hunt. Find. Destroy. Was he still controlled by those beings? The Mahl-grok. He remembered their name, as well. Names are important; it is unwise to kill something without knowing its name.

Yaz-gael slowed and came to a stop. He was in a wooded valley, with mountains rising high above him to the east and west. Before him a rock jutted out of the ground, cracked and marked, looking almost like a hooded man, covered with a great cloak. He remembered this place. Great evil was done here. He could not remember who had performed the vile acts, but he knew he was involved. The blood spoiled the earth. Indeed, nothing grew within a yard of the rock.

Turning aside, he headed north, and began to run again.

The beast sniffed the air again, and quickly stopped. The scent had changed. He knows I am coming for him. He is not alone. It did not matter to Yaz-gael. Once started, a hunt could not be stopped. He continued on, but more slowly this time. He is close.

"Call off your hunt."

A cloaked figure stepped out from behind a tree. "I can not allow you to pass. You must call off your hunt. I am a warden of Dim-al-garong, and you are forbidden here." The figure slowly drew his sword from the scabbard at his side.

Yaz-gael examined the warden. One of the Loren-folk. He lifted his grotesque head and spoke for the first time in years, "Your name." The sound of his voice was unwelcome in the forest; it seemed to come from fetid pools deep within the recesses of the earth. The trees appeared to recoil from the sound.

The warden took a step back and responded slowly, unwillingly, "I am Dal Hond."

"Dal Hond."

As the beast spoke the warden's name, he became a blur. Before the man was able to raise his sword his arm was cut from his body. Claws sharp as knives ripped through his throat, silencing him before he screamed.

Yaz-gael licked the blood from one of his claws. It is not time to feed yet. Soon. He advanced slowly through the woods, the scent of his prey becoming more pronounced. A light flickered ahead. He continued on, and approached the source of the light, a fire burning just inside the entrance to a cave. As he stepped into the clearing in front of the cave he sensed a disturbance in the air.

Quickly reaching up, he snatched the arrow before it struck his head. He once again became a blur, racing to his left, around a tree, coming up behind the warden who had loosed the arrow.

"Your name."

The warden tried to run, but his legs would not work. He fell to the ground, helplessly. He whimpered, "I am Nash Tole."

"Nash Tole."

Nash looked up and saw the firelight reflected in Yaz-gael's hideous eyes. He began to scream, but no sound ever came out of his mouth.

The beast walked over the warden's body and came to the cave entrance. Sitting beside the fire, facing the entrance, was a young boy, perhaps ten or eleven years old. The boy looked at Yaz-gael with clear blue eyes. "I told them to let me wait for you alone, but they thought they could protect me. They have not met your kind before."

"Your name."

The beast's voice seemed to fill the cave with a foul stench. The fire flickered and dimmed. The boy looked at Yaz-gael and laughed; a clear sparkling sound that chased the beast's stench out of the cave. "You have no power over me, monster. But it matters not, you already know my name."

The beast looked at the boy. Memories flickered in his head. Images of ages long past - fire, pain, laughter? He shook his head. The hunt was on, and it had to be finished. He had a single purpose. Yes, he knew the boy's name, and he spoke it to him, "Kahl Brin."

"Yes, that is my name," the boy answered, rising, "and now our game begins in earnest."

And he vanished.

Surprise!

So this weekend we watched two movies: Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! (RottenTomatoes rating: 53%), and Collateral (RottenTomatoes rating: 85%). Now, I don't claim to be on the cutting edge of art and culture, like some people, so my views are probably not worth the pixels they're displayed on. Regardless, I thought that WaDwTH! was easily a better, more entertaining movie than Collateral. Of course, once I admit to having a man-crush on Topher Grace (who has an uncanny resemblance to Bjarki Steinn Traustason), this entire post makes much more sense.

A Game or a Challenge

Here are the top ten entries in Eddie Murphy's filmography, sorted by ratings:

1. (8.10) - Shrek (2001)
2. (7.69) - Shrek 2 (2004)
3. (7.63) - Eddie Murphy Delirious (1983) (TV)
4. (7.29) - Trading Places (1983)
5. (7.19) - Mulan (1998)
6. (7.09) - Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
7. (6.83) - Saturday Night Live: The Best of Eddie Murphy (1998) (V)
8. (6.69) - 48 Hrs. (1982)
9. (6.61) - Dangerous: The Short Films (1993) (V)
10. (6.59) - Coming to America (1988)

Three kids movies, one raunchy stand up comedy, one SNL best-of, the Murphy golden tri-fecta, a Micheal Jackson video collection, and the movie which was the turning point of his career. The challenge is to find something with more variety and more extremes than this.

Additionally, two clicks away from that page was an artist who has an extremely large body of work. For some reason, though, he was always playing "himself". Odd.

More Harry Potter Insanity

The real question for any fan of the Harry Potter series is what sort of resolution there will be between Harry and Professor Snape. While they are enemies inside the confines of Hogwarts, they are apparently allies in the greater Good vs. Evil scheme. Does it make sense for Harry to finally best Snape if Severus helps defeat Lord Voldemort? Or will Snape defect to the Dark Side, allowing Harry to send seven years of resentment and hatred his way? Or will they put aside their differences, turn Draco Malfoy into a giant houka, and smoke their way to eternal enlightenment?

Trust me, this is much more important than the search for WMD's in Iraq.

What? They stopped looking? Oh, right.

Hold the Palantír!

There was actually a 17 year delay between Frodo getting the ring and leaving on his quest. Hello, Mr. Jackson - did you bother to even read the damn book?!?!?

I really liked the movies, but now that I'm starting to see inaccuracies, I'm not so sure.

Trying to improve my chances of getting found in a Google search

Gotta give it a shot:

• lesbian
  
• xxx
  
• anna kournikova
  
• sex
  
• daniel baldwin
  

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes Quote of the Day

"Very sorry to knock you up, Watson," said he, "but it's the common lot this morning. Mrs. Hudson has been knocked up, she retorted upon me, and I on you."

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

"Don't go where I can't follow."

It's a tough life

Yesterday was Michelle's birthday. For her special birthday dinner she asked - nay, forced! - me to provide for her Nick-N-Willy's pizza and beer. Pizza and beer! The things I endure for love!

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

Though they won't admit it, women were much happier when all they had to do was bake shit and pump out kids.

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

2. What does "bicameral" mean? Are any of the girls in your class "bicameral?"

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

Lobbyists even help expedite legislation by touting its benefits to members whose votes are needed. In many ways, lobbyists are the cheerleaders of Capitol Hill - sad, soulless, clandestine, unfuckable cheerleaders.

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

The President of the United States is the most powerful, most recognizable, and best person on earth.

America (the Book), Quote of the Day

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue...

...and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually
discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America
centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering
a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed
civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered
America.

Happy Birthday!

To Mean Mr. Mustard! Like he cares.

I blogged:

I know who the murderer is.

Amazingly Important Information

After learning that "Tom Marvolo Riddle" is an anagram for "I am
Lord Voldemort" (!), I decided that I should find what Kevin Thomas
Lund truly means. Here are the options I came up with:

1. Hand not evil skum


2. Dunk slave in moth


3. Moist Klund haven

But was that enough? Did that really give the true meaning of who
and what I am? Undeterred, I visited href="http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/index.html">The Internet
Anagram Server to find more amazing results. The options are, if
not endless, staggering. A collection:

1. A ED THINK VOL MS NU
   
2. A DEVIL HUNTS MONK
   
3. A MINED HUNK VOLTS
   
4. DANK ME TUSH IN VOL
   
5. LAND VOTES I'M HUNK
   
6. MAD SHOVEL INK NUT
   

Yes, I think we've learned a great deal today.

Assistance Needed

I need assistance coming up to the answer to a problem that has
been nagging at me lately: Why do people like me?

As far as I can tell, it's an inescapable fact. People like me.
However, I can't figure out why the hell that would be. Let's review:
I'm not a nice person, I have a complete and utter lack of tact
(remember the "cripple" comment?), I'm an arrogant bastard, I have no
moral code to speak of, I'm lazy and selfish, I don't like people,
and, in general, I'm an asshole.

So why would people like me? I've come up with a few possible answers:

1. My amazing intellect. People are so impressed by how smart I am
   that they overlook my shortcomings.
   
2. My dashing good looks. Beautiful people always get the benefit of the doubt.
   
3. My rapier sharp wit. When I'm being a boorish ass, people just cut
   me slack and assume that it's another example of my incredible sense
   of humor.
   
4. My undefinable quality. Despite everything else, I just have the
   ability to "come off well."
   

So, what do you think the answer is? Help me solve this problem
before I inadvertantly brighten another person's day.

Movie: The 18 minutes of Almost Heroes I saw while doing dishes

6

Book: J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

82

Movie: Spirited Away

72

Movie: The Day After Tomorrow

42

Book: Tom Robbins, Villa Incognito

75

Movie: The Bourne Identity

82

My only hope

Is that I can get this song stuck in your head, too:

Quack, quack, quack, quack... Cock-a-doodle Doo!

Quack, quack, quack, quack... Cock-a-doodle Doo!

Quack, quack, quack... a doodly-doo!

Lakers, Dead or Alive?

So, the Lakers are one month into the Solo Kobe Era, and they are a
respectable 8-6, tied for the 8th playoff spot. So maybe the
predictions of doom and gloom were misplaced.

Or were they...

The list of teams the Lakers have beaten: Denver, Atlanta, New
Orleans, Houston, Clippers, Chicago, Milwaukee and New Orleans. Um,
yuck.

A conspiracy theory buff would almost think that the Lakers were
given a soft early schedule to keep their luster alive as long as
possible. This person would also probably point to the Lakers' href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/teams/lal/schedule?v=list&m=04&y=2005">brutal
April schedule to solidify his theory.

Thankfully there are no conspiracy theorists here.

Bump

[bump]

Dear God

While I completely enjoy my current career path, every once in a
while something comes up that makes me feel a bit misplaced.

I brought Kelson to an ECFE class, where the last half hour the
parents leave the children (I think there's an adult in the room with
them) and have some discussion time. Yesterday a kind parent brought
in Krispy Kreme donuts, so life was good.

We were talking about discipline, and a mother next to me said
something like this: "I have this book by Blair, from The Facts of
Life, and she said that if your child says a naughty word, you go
to the bathroom with two glasses. Take one glass and rinse it out in
the sink, and take the other glass and rinse it out with water from
the toilet. Then take the glasses to the kitchen and fill them with
milk. Ask your child, 'Which glass do you want to drink out of?' Tell
them that just like you don't want to drink from a dirty glass, Jesus
doesn't want to hear dirty words, and you need to keep your mouth
clean, by only using good words. This is such a great book; she has
such amazing ideas. That Blair, she's a thinker, she really is."

There were so many things to say right then... most of which would
have gotten me permanantly ostracized from the group. I just continued
to eat my donuts.

Anyway, if you're interested in the book, I found it. Check out href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1561799017/qid=1100277380/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/102-4493827-8370538?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">Lisa
Welchel's Creative Correction for all the amazing
details.

I hate Yasser Arafat

Couldn't the old coot have waited an extra five minutes to die?

So I'm watching the hit new CBS drama, CSI:NY, and they get
to the part of the show where the prime suspect is in custody, and
they begin to piece together the clues they've uncovered (due to their
amazing forensic skills). "OK, we know you were at the shop, and we
know how you got in..."

And then what happens is that we get to find out all the details.
We get to hear how the crime went down. Does the suspect admit to it?
Was he working with someone, and that person started killing people?
Was it supposed to be a fun time that went horribly, horribly
wrong?

Well, last night, we never found out.

In this case, all we got to see was the CBS News "Special Report"
about the life and death of Yasser Arafat. It lasted just long enough
so that we could see the very end of the exciting scenes from next
week's exciting episode of the exciting new drama, CSI:NY.

What the hell did those bastards at CBS think? We couldn't wait
five minutes until the news to hear about Arafat's death? Do they
actually think that he is more important than the culmination of 55
minutes of amazing forensic drama?

If I wasn't so lazy, I'd fire off an angry email to those
money-grubbing ho's. (That's probably not the proper insult to use,
but I heard it on the radio this morning and wanted to work it
in.)

Mix and Match

19. Liza Minnelli Accused of Sexual Harassment
Reuters - Wed Nov 10, 8:23 PM ET

I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for this...

Please, please DON'T SMOKE inside this building!

Election Dissection

OK, so let's see if I got this right. Bush basically needs to go
thank the renegade administrators who allowed cities to issue marriage
certificates to same sex couples.

It was the uproar around that which precipitated many of the gay
marriage votes, right? And on Tuesday, the young electorate let
Kerry down, and the Christian conservatives came out in force for
Bush.

And what was their primary consideration in choosing a president?
"Moral values."

Moral values? Moral Flippin' Values?!?!? They're more
concerned about two same sex people living together happily than
100,000 people dead in Iraq for no good reason?

I just heard Jon Stewart tell the truth: "Nothing trumps dudes kissing."

Another Perspective

In election news, I offer up this quote:

A time of crisis: 2000-2009


The early 21st century was a politically volatile time in American
history. After the contested election of 2000 put George W. Bush into
the White House, the United States faced a monumental crisis with the
terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 (see Chapter 12). President
Bush united the country immediately after the attacks, invading
Afghanistan in an attempt to capture Al Queda leader Osama bin Laden.
He began to draw criticism when he followed that by launching the
ill-fated Second Gulf War, beginning the United States' 12-year
involvement in Iraq, the country which is now part of the United Arab
States.


The 2004 elections were exceedingly bitter and partisan, with Bush
winning re-election after long recount battles in Ohio and Florida.
The support that Bush had built began to erode shortly into his second
term, as the situation in Iraq became more unstable. A democratic
election held in January of 2005 was filled with fraud, intimidation
and bloodshed, and never resulted in any elected officials. In March
of that year a portion of the US-trained Iraqi military, under the
leadership of future UAS leader Machmar al Basrasa, joined with
terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and secured Fallujah. The
surprise attack of the first Battle of Fallujah resulted in over a
thousand US deaths.


While the United States lost ground in Iraq, the American economy
began to falter at home and abroad. The country fell into a deep
recession in 2006. A potential recovery in early 2007 was halted by
the terrorist attacks on Los Angeles, Chicago and New Orleans on May
1, 2007.


During President Bush's second term he was also given the
opportunity to appoint two Supreme Court Justices. Justices Harold
Resnic and Marjorie Thompson eventually led the Supreme Court to some
landmark decisions, including reversing Roe v. Wade and upholding many
of the articles in the Patriot Act which were believed to infringe
upon the basic rights of American citizens. It took over twenty years
before the Supreme Court reversed those watershed decisions.


President Bush's final year in office was filled with battles with
the Democratic Senate and Congress, and answering questions about his
handling of the situation in Iraq. When he left office, the situation
in Iraq was at its worst, with rebel forces occupying many cities, and
the United States attempting to retain control in central Iraq.

Taken from "An American History, our first 400 years", published March 3, 2178 by Simpson Scholastic.

Cool

Check out what you can do on the internet now:

Now who wants my money?

Apparently I never fully appreciated the honor that I received back in high school. Like most Phi Beta Kappas, I have no idea where the key is right now. Should I have framed it and hung it on my wall?

The Adventures of Flatulence ManVolume 23: The Scorpion Emerges

It was a relatively normal day in Citytown, with the bustling
traffic competing with the sounds of construction on the new Stevens
Tower. In one of the small cafes bordering Scroom Park, Greg Smithson
relaxed, reading the Citytown News and sipping a coffee.

The editorial section was full of discussions revolving around
Flatulence Man.
There were the standard questions - Where did he come from? Where did
he get his amazing powers? Was he really a "good guy"? Who was he? -
and many people offering up their
opinions - He was really in league with Los Tostador. He is the
greatest thing to happen to the city. It's great that crime is down,
but we could do without the stink.

Greg shook his head. If only they knew, he thought, if
only they knew.

Greg folded up his paper, set down some coins for a tip, and left
the cafe, heading into the big city, hoping that this would be the day
that Flatulence Man wouldn't be needed.

[But his hopes would not come true today...]

Just a few blocks from the cafe that Greg had left, on the opposite
end of Scroom Park, a strange scene was unfolding. In a grassy field
in the park the ground was beginning to lift and heave. The ground
seemed to ripple, sending waves of dirt away from the epicenter,
knocking over those people who happened to be walking nearby.

As people began to run away from the grass field, the undulations
became more intense, yet more localized, until there was a seeming
explosion of grass and dirt, knocking over anyone within a hundred
yards of the blast.

As the flying dirt settled, those in the area noticed that the
ground had stopped its gyrations. However, there was a new concern, as
something started to crawl out of the newly formed crater in the park.

Some people stared in amazement; others ran. On one end of the
field a tall, thin man started running away, yelling, "No! No! Not
again! I am so getting out of this town!"

There were those that stayed, however, out of fear or curiousity.
And they were treated to an impressive site. The ... creature
... which emerged from the crater was easy to identify, even though it
was completely new to everyone there. It had three pairs of
insect-like legs, although as it reached the top edge of the crater it
stood upright on its powerful rearmost legs. The body was covered in a
black chitin, which framed what appeared to be a muscular, human
torso. Two very human arms extended out from its shoulders, protected
by chitin down to just above the elbows.

Suddenly the creature jumped off the top of dirt pile, landing
lightly and running quickly on its six legs. It stopped in front of
one of the bums that made Scroom Park his home.

The bum took a step back, shaking. "What the hell are you?"

"I am the Scorpion," the monster answered, "but I am not from
Hell." Suddenly his tail whipped around and stung the man in the neck,
injecting him with the Scorpion's deadly poison. The Scorpion watched
the man's body quiver momentarily. "Hell didn't want anything to do
with me." He stepped over the man's now still body, and slowly
advanced into the city.

Mix and Match

Three Americans Share Nobel Physics Prize
AP - 1 hour, 22 minutes ago

In my pantry...

...I found this. I always wondered why people called me the "King of Soul Food" - now I know.

A Chili party? No, really, chili?

Ah, the great Chili Puke Your Guts Off, or something like that. It all started off simple enough, just some people in a backyard.

And see, my chili is on the left. That's pretty cool. I'm in a cook-off!

This was my first clue that things were about to go horribly, horribly wrong. Another North Dakotan in the contest? Who actually has the pure, anadulturated gall to announce the fact?!?!?!?

But things seemed to return to normal. Look, a cute kid and a cute kid's mom. Maybe this place isn't so bad after all...

But trouble was certain to start. It all began with Larry attempting to find the mute button. Damn you, Larry!

Now Brad had to try and "fix" his own TV. Of course, he became so transfixed by the Gophers special teams' disaster that he was rendered immobile for half an hour.

See, this picture was taken half an hour later.

When he did finally get off the floor, his mother wanted him to try on some fancy new satin panties. I didn't realize it was going to be that kind of party.

If Scott doesn't post any pictures, it's not because he didn't bring his camera. Ha!

A number of people bolted outside to try and avoid Brad, who was inside modelling his new panties.

I then became fire-obsessed. Larry is fixing the fire!

The fire is bigger!

Dang, the fire is smaller!

More wood for the fire! That'll do it!

Oooh! The fire with a different camera setting!

At some point a winner was announced. This is the awards ceremony, I think.

Eventually I realized that I was sitting across from Satan. It was at that point that I decided to leave. Satan and I have a strict non-compete clause.

What they really said

"You bitch! You told me you were going to wear blue! Now I have to
go home and change!"

Colorado Dreamin'

It was cold and dark, the crisp Colorado wind finding its way
inside my jacket like cold air being pushed along by atmospheric
conditions. I was somewhere on the mountain, lost. Lost, like a human
who is in a location that is unknown to him. Or her.

I looked around for something familiar, but, as I mentioned before,
it was dark, like being in a place where there wasn't much light. I
sat down on the ground and looked through my backpack, trying to find
something that would help me out.

I took everything out and laid it in front of me: GPS unit, two-way
radio, cell phone, flashlight, canteen. Damn it! I thought,
nothing useful.

But wait! There was something else hidden in my backpack, like an
item resting unseen in an accessory that you use to carry supplies
whlie hiking.

It was my matchbook! However, there was only one match left, so
whatever I did I needed to do it right the first time. I was nervous,
like a person who realizes that they are in a difficult situation and
has only one chance to make things better. I found some kindling in
the brush, and started to make my bonfire. I added all the useless
stuff from my backpack - my trail maps, instruction manuals, compass,
snacks. To make sure the fire would get going, I also set on it my
flare gun and the dynomite I had been carrying around.

I very carefully took out my one remaining match. I had only one
shot at getting this fire started. I held the match near the kindling
and paper and lit it. Fire! It worked! I set the flaming match against
the paper. It started on fire! It was working!

I stood next to the fire, helping to get it going to a proper
blaze. The fire grew, and slowly consumed the flare gun. Suddenly
there was a loud explosion, and I felt a searing pain, as if a
projectile had been fired towards my body, exploding upon hitting my
hand, leaving only a bloody stump below the elbow.

It's a small price to pay for my rescue, I thought.

I laid down next to the fire, knowing that someone would see the
blaze and come rescue me. This isn't so bad, I thought to
myself, as the fire reached the dynomite. I didn't even feel a thing,
as the explosion ended my life, bits of wood, metal and plastic
ripping into my body like bits of wood, metal and plastic ripping into
my body.

This isn't so bad.

The funniest hour of television...

... is not Joey followed by Will & Grace, as NBC
wants you to believe. In actuality, the funniest hour of television is
Scrubs followed by The Daily Show. Unfortunately, Law
and Order: Special Victims Unit is in between those two shows, and
that dramatically reduces the humor quotient.

Oh, by the way

Try out Klund's
Photoblog for pictures without lies. Sad, but true.

CSI: Miami

I'm really starting to get bored with CSI: Miami. I think
it's because that bastard Horation (or, as I like to call him, "H") is
starting to get just a wee bit too empathetic for my
liking.

Valley Fair

We went to Valley Fair yesterday. I won't explain why, because it
doesn't matter. The important thing is that I was able to do my civic
duty.

We were walking along, minding our own business, when I noticed
some suspicious behavior. There was a group of people - they
appeared to be Arab - and they were definitely acting out of the
ordinary. They were congregating in a group, they were taking
pictures, and they were talking to each other in a language I
didn't understand. I'm pretty sure it was Arabic.

Of course I was scared. What could they be plotting? So I did the
only thing that an American could do. I used my cell phone and called
911. I told them that there was a group of shifty Arabs acting
suspiciously. I told them that they had set down a bundle, which I was
sure contained explosives. Yes, I was worried for my life, and for my
family's safety, but if I didn't make the call, who would?

It didn't take long for security to come. Guns were drawn, the
police were shouting at the Arabs, making them line up against the
wall with their hands behind their heads. The women and children, too
(can you imagine the audacity of terrorists, bringing their women and
children along with them?). In the chaos, I saw at least one man's
camera thrown to the ground and smashed - at least some pictures won't
be going back to Al Quada to provide them with information to
perpetuate their horrific plans of terror. The suspicious bag was
searched - it looked like a diaper bag (will they stop at
nothing?).

We continued on after a while, knowing that we were, for a little
while at least, safe from the diabolical scheming of the enemies of
freedom. Maybe they weren't terrorists, but in this day and age you
can never be too safe. I did what I felt was right. I did what every
American should do. I slept well last night.

Movie Review: The Hours

I hate movies like this.

This is the kind of movie that art critics love, not because it's a good movie, but because it looks like a good movie, and if you don't say that you like it, everyone will think that you're retarded.

How did Nicole Kidman win an Oscar for this? Simple, she put on a prosthetic nose. I'm not sure what it says about the state of women's roles in Hollywood right now, but to win an Oscar lately you need to be a beautiful woman pretending to be ugly (Charlize Theron), a beautiful woman with a prosthetic nose (Kidman), or a beautiful woman being trashy (Halle Berry). Let's see, I guess that means that Renee Zelwegger is guaranteed the next Oscar for adding 30 pounds in the upcoming Bridget Jones movie.

This movie is full of people acting very dramatically. Ooh, look at the anguish on their faces. They have such difficult decisions - should they kill themselves, or continue to live their posh existence with people who love them. What a bunch of losers. Ed Harris throws himself out of a window after muttering some very touching and (I'm sure) meaningful commentary on the state of the world, when, in reality, his last words would be "OH SHIT!!!"

I want my money back, and I didn't even pay for the damn thing.

Blanneling - Channeling the Blog III - Digifreaxs Blog

[Editor's note: This post is the third and final installment of Klund's Peabody Award winning series entitled "Blanneling - Channeling the Blog", where Klund attempts to channel the essence of a blogger found using the Next Blog link.]

Source: http://digifreax.blogspot.com/

Mittwoch.

Ich hatte meinen Geographietest heute. Es war sehr hart, aber ich denke, daß ich hübschen Brunnen tat. Seit I'm, das dieses in Deutschen übersetzt, denken I don't, daß ich zu viel Material wirklich schreiben muß. Ich bedeute, it's nicht als ob Mittelherr Mustard und Scooter wirklich eine Übersetzung von diesem tun werden, bin sie? Wenn sie, dann they're wirklich Lamé.

Blanneling - Channeling the Blog II - TwiNkLe stAr PaLaCe

[Editor's note: This post is the second in an innovative and shocking three-part series entitled "Blanneling - Channeling the Blog", where Klund attempts to channel the essence of a blogger found using the Next Blog link.]

Source: http://twinklez-starz.blogspot.com/

... weekend komin ...

the weekend is komin ... yeah ... but not all good ... i have rite abt a guy ... he not want to be with me ... sobs sobs ... i miss him already, tho never was togethr

worse news is weibo is hurt ... he still in beijing hospital ... juz feel like very sad ...

i have macroeconomics homework ... too tird to do it ... now lazy ...

Blanneling - Channeling the Blog I - Complete Randomness

[Editor's note: This post is the first in an experimental three-part series entitled "Blanneling - Channeling the Blog", where Klund attempts to channel the essence of a blogger found using the Next Blog link.]

Source: http://completerndmness.blogspot.com/

Yesterday my mom totally ragged on me about my geometry test. OMG! She said that if I don't get my grades up she is going to ground me from my computer. WHATEVER! I had the most amazing time this weekend on my camping trip. Bri and I called up Josh, and he had NO IDEA who was calling! YAYNESS!!! lol! We were up sooooo late talking! I am SOOO tired today - I almost fell asleep in history class. Gotta go do homework. adios!

My TV just told me

that the next "According to Jim", staring the living Belushi brother,
will be "funnier than you can conceive." Something tells me that
statement is probably true.

Movie Review: The Others

So, basically, Nicole Kidman's character was dead, her kids were dead
(because she smothered them with a pillow), and the servants were
dead. They were all dead, but Kidman didn't realize it. And the
"intruders" were living people who had moved into Kidman's house. I
guess that was the big twist ending. I kinda liked it.

*** WARNING *** This review contained SPOILERS.

Understatement!

I think that, in pretty much any context, this quote is an
understatement:

It was unfortunate that his teeth hit my carotid artery.

Full story here.

BB700

With Barry Bonds about to become the fourth player in Major League Baseball history to hit 700 career home runs, I thought it would be an appropriate time to jot down an encounter we had a while back.

It was 1989, and Barry was in his second big league season, having established himself as the San Diego Padres rising star. I was in town attempting to close the Syverson account, and was invited to a party by Richard Frontiere (son of Georgia Frontiere, owner of the Padres). Richard was a good friend of mine from Baylor (go Huskies!).

Richard was also a friend of Padres manager Art Howe, and it happened that Art, Richard and I were at a table together. When Richard introduced Art to me, he asked if I would come and talk to Barry. "He's a good hitter, sure, but I think he could be better. Could you talk to him?" Of course I said that I would.

The next day I showed up at the Padres clubhouse at Camden Yards and was brought into the locker room. Barry and I chatted for a bit, and then we got down to business. He asked me what the secret was to hitting, and this is what I told him:

Barry, if you want to be a great hitter, you need to imagine that the baseball is like a beautiful woman. She's your girlfriend; your lover. You support her, provide for her, dedicate your life to her - she is your everything. You spend all of your waking hours making sure that she has all that she needs. And then you come home early from a road trip and find her in bed with your stupid, ugly, slack-jawed unemployed cousin. You get your mind around that, and you can be a special, special player.

After that I left him in silence. I haven't seen or talked to him since that day. I did get a note three weeks later, after his first career three homer game (against the Blue Jays at Fenway). It said, "Thanks for the advice - you're the man. Every time I hit a home run I'm going to point to the sky. That's in honor of you - you're my Sky Pilot. -BB"

No, Barry, you're my Sky Pilot.

What do I do with these books?

OK, so Scooter sent me some books in the mail ... for my birthday. They're books by Tad Williams, who I know of because a friend of mine from high school used to play pick-up basketball with him. Whatever.

Anyway, I tried to read the first book in the series, got to about page 60, and had to refresh myself with Vonnegut. On the one hand, I was extremely bored. On the other hand, Scooter sent them to me, so they should be worth a read, right?

On the one hand, I couldn't imagine reading much more about this loser kid. On the other hand, if the books become fun, there's a heck of a lot of pages to keep me entertained.

So, is there a literary light at the end of this tunnel? Or do I just read Lord of the Rings again?

The Pearly Gates of St. Peter. Be awed!

So maybe an inch of rain the night before doesn't enhance the image much. Be awed anyway, OK?

Lord of the Rings Quote of the Day

From The Two Towers:

Pippin: What?

A Momentous Day

Today is an anniversary. Well, actually it's two anniversaries in one. First of all, it's my birthday, the anniversary of the day I was foisted upon the unsuspecting world.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, this is the fifteenth anniversary of the day I was bitten by a radioactive spider, changing me from mild mannered klund into ... Arachno-Guy! Now, I'll admit that I don't have the greatest costume, and my only super ability is that I can eat bugs without vomiting. And sure, I don't actually fight crime, or save babies or anything, but I probably could if I gave a damn.

So maybe it's not that big of an anniversary after all. Fine, bugger off!

This is why you can't trust polls

Ring! Ring!

Me: Hello?
Her: Hello, may I speak to Mr. Lund, please?
Me: Um, this is Mr. Lund.
Her: Hi, I'm calling from [unintelligible], would I be able to ask you a few questions?
Me: Oh, sure.
Her: Do you consider yourself a Republican or a Democrat?
Me: What do you consider yourself?
Her: Excuse me?
Me: Are you Republican or Democrat?
Her: I'm Independent.
Me: Then I'm Independent, too!
Her: OK. Do you support Howard Swenson or Ruth Johnson for State Representative?
Me: Which one is taller?
Her: Um...
Me: I bet Howard is taller. I'm for Howard What'sHisName.
Her: OK. Which of these issues is most important to you: [lists some issues]? Or all of the above?
Me: Ooh, I know this one - all of the above.
Her: Do you consider yourself pro-choice or pro-life?
Me: Both.
Her: Thank you very much. Have a nice day.
Me: Bye.

Click.

Belated TV Review: Joey

Let me sum up the series premier of NBC's new smash-hit comedy Joey in one word: "Disappointing."

No summary is needed because everybody knows who Joey is and why he has his own show. So, why is it disappointing? Because it didn't suck. I was looking forward to watching what was sure to be the most unintentionally funny thing on TV this decade - and instead I found myself actually laughing out loud - twice!

I felt betrayed. How could they do this to me? I was hoping to watch this show, make fun of it, and then debate about whether it will last 3 or 4 episodes. But no, they have to make the show tolerable, and most likely good enough to survive. Maybe even - and I kid you not - thrive in the post-Friends market.

Of course the character of Joey was going to be fine; LeBlanc could probably ace his stuff if he came to the set after a three day cocaine binge. I was expecting horrible supporting characters and a heavy reliance on references to the old friends - but it didn't happen!

Sigh.

It's by no means a great show, but it doesn't suck.

And that pisses me off.

An evil idea for Mean Mr. Mustard

Partway through the NFL season, send out an email to all CDFFL participants:

I regret to inform all of you that CDFFL is on the brink of extinction. Due to [factors beyond my control / the price of tea in China / my complete and utter feeling of apathy towards football], I will be unable to continue my duties as CDFFL commissioner.

CDFFL will die [after Week 9 / in two weeks / today]. Unless...

Unless one of you is willing to accept responsibility for it. I will, of course, provide transition assistance (for a nominal fee) to whomever steps up to the plate. I am not an unreasonable man. So, in order for CDFFL to live, I need a volunteer by [the end of Week 8 / a week from today / 4:00 today].

Thank you so much for your time,
Mean Mr. Mustard

It's what I would do.

I think I'm funny

This past weekend we went through a McDonald's drive-through to get some ... well, food, I guess. Michelle's grandmother from Devils Lake, North Dakota was sitting next to me in the front seat and offered to pay with her credit card. I asked the flunky in the store, "Do you take out of state credit cards?" He had to go find a manager to ask to make sure that yes, they do take out of state credit cards.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

"Honey, wake up!"

"Mmmmhh?"

"Honey, it's time to get up for work."

I rub my eyes and look at the clock. Crap, 9:00 already. "Can't I sleep in a little longer?"

"Now dear, you know you have an important meeting at 10:00. Get up, you sleepy head!"

Nag. "Yes, dear."

"Did you have fun last night with the boys from work?"

Not really. "Yeah, I suppose so. But it's kinda weird - I think they don't drink as much as I do. At one point I woke up at the table, and the other guys were all in another room talking. I asked them what was up and they just said it was boring business stuff. Do you think I should worry about it?"

"Oh, you silly - you should be glad that they don't bother you with the boring stuff."

Yeah, I suppose that's right. I get into the bathroom to begin the complicated process of getting myself ready for the day. Hop into the shower. Rinse, lather, repeat. Wait, that's not right... Lather, rinse, repeat. Bam! Nailed it this time!

"Honey! I have time for breakfast right? You know I hate it when I don't get my Pop Tarts!"

"Sorry, dear, this meeting is very important. You should have woken up earlier if you wanted breakfast."

Nag. "All right. But I have time to watch SpongeBob though, right?"

"You know you don't, silly head! Don't worry, I'll Tivo it for you."

Nag. No Pop Tarts, no SpongeBob, but I'm ready to go. Another exciting day before me. Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off...

"Honey, did you forget your cuff links again?"

"Of course I didn't!" Nag. I go and get the cuff links off the table.

Now I'm ready to go. Down the hall, take a right. Bill's looking good today, good old Bill. "Morning Bill, how's everything going?"

"Just fine, just fine. Ready for another day of saving the world, Mr. President?"

For Mean Mr. Mustard

A Boston Globe article about Bush's Guard service reinforces three of Mean Mr. Mustard's core beliefs:

1. The world is an evil, rotten place.
2. Life isn't fair.
3. Everyone is out to get him.

Such is life, I guess.

I love Labor Day

Labor Day is my favorite holiday. The traditions, the history, the pageantry; it's kind of like Arbor Day, Boxing Day and Bastille Day all wrapped into one great big extravaganza.

We had our traditional Labor Day - feasting, dancing, singing, ritualistic goat slaughter. It was a lovely time.

Well, not for the goat, perhaps.

Movie Review: X2

Last night I saw a miracle of modern movie-making, Marvel Comics' X-Men brought to life again in the brilliant sequel, X2. The cinematography was astounding, the editing gave new meaning to the term "editing", and the characters were fully developed (and I'm not just talking about Mystique!).

This movie is about Jean Luc-Picard and his crew mates, trying to battle the evil General Striker, who is attempting to destroy the Federation. To do this, he enlists the help of Gandalf the Gray, who for some reason wears a vintage 1920's Chicago Bears football helmet.

Then lots of things happen. Wow! What a movie!

I give it a rating of XS35.

Did I mention...

Have I told you about my near death experience climbing Everest? It
was back in my early 20's, when I thought I could do anything. When I
arrived at the base camp, I ran into a Sherpa. He asked if I needed
any help scaling the giant mountain. "Who, me?" Ha! I could do it all
by myself. "All I need from you, good friend," I told the jovial
native, "is to point me in the right direction."

He looked at me and said, "See that big mountain there? That's it. Are
you sure you don't need anything?"

I ignored him and headed off. It had always been a dream of mine to
scale the beast. It was something that I needed to do. In a way, it
was kind of like my own Everest.

Oh wait, it was Everest.

Regardless, I set off. It was a beautiful day, and I was eager to
begin. I left the base camp, shook my fist at the bohemoth, and began
my ascent.

Just as I was beginning, two hikers came up behind me. "Dude," one
began, "why are you wearing shorts and sandals?"

I casually noticed their apparrel. They seemed prepared for cold
weather! I then realized that it was actually kind of chilly.

So I went home.

This Morning

I woke up this morning in an igloo.

Weird.

Another Lie

Yesterday was a pretty fun day. As keynote speaker for the Republican National Convention, I read what I was given about how the country is safer with George W. Bush as president, blah, blah, blah. Of course it's all a bunch of bull, but getting a million bucks will make pretty much anyone a Republican stalwart! Go Bush, and all that.

After the convention I got wasted and woke up this morning with a Siamese twin AND a Siamese cat in my bed. Wow, what a night!