Thursday, October 28, 2004

Another Perspective

In election news, I offer up this quote:

A time of crisis: 2000-2009


The early 21st century was a politically volatile time in American
history. After the contested election of 2000 put George W. Bush into
the White House, the United States faced a monumental crisis with the
terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 (see Chapter 12). President
Bush united the country immediately after the attacks, invading
Afghanistan in an attempt to capture Al Queda leader Osama bin Laden.
He began to draw criticism when he followed that by launching the
ill-fated Second Gulf War, beginning the United States' 12-year
involvement in Iraq, the country which is now part of the United Arab
States.


The 2004 elections were exceedingly bitter and partisan, with Bush
winning re-election after long recount battles in Ohio and Florida.
The support that Bush had built began to erode shortly into his second
term, as the situation in Iraq became more unstable. A democratic
election held in January of 2005 was filled with fraud, intimidation
and bloodshed, and never resulted in any elected officials. In March
of that year a portion of the US-trained Iraqi military, under the
leadership of future UAS leader Machmar al Basrasa, joined with
terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and secured Fallujah. The
surprise attack of the first Battle of Fallujah resulted in over a
thousand US deaths.


While the United States lost ground in Iraq, the American economy
began to falter at home and abroad. The country fell into a deep
recession in 2006. A potential recovery in early 2007 was halted by
the terrorist attacks on Los Angeles, Chicago and New Orleans on May
1, 2007.


During President Bush's second term he was also given the
opportunity to appoint two Supreme Court Justices. Justices Harold
Resnic and Marjorie Thompson eventually led the Supreme Court to some
landmark decisions, including reversing Roe v. Wade and upholding many
of the articles in the Patriot Act which were believed to infringe
upon the basic rights of American citizens. It took over twenty years
before the Supreme Court reversed those watershed decisions.


President Bush's final year in office was filled with battles with
the Democratic Senate and Congress, and answering questions about his
handling of the situation in Iraq. When he left office, the situation
in Iraq was at its worst, with rebel forces occupying many cities, and
the United States attempting to retain control in central Iraq.

Taken from "An American History, our first 400 years", published March 3, 2178 by Simpson Scholastic.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Cool

Check out what you can do on the internet now:

Friday, October 22, 2004

Now who wants my money?

Apparently I never fully appreciated the honor that I received back in high school. Like most Phi Beta Kappas, I have no idea where the key is right now. Should I have framed it and hung it on my wall?

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

The Adventures of Flatulence Man
Volume 23: The Scorpion Emerges

It was a relatively normal day in Citytown, with the bustling
traffic competing with the sounds of construction on the new Stevens
Tower. In one of the small cafes bordering Scroom Park, Greg Smithson
relaxed, reading the Citytown News and sipping a coffee.

The editorial section was full of discussions revolving around
Flatulence Man.
There were the standard questions - Where did he come from? Where did
he get his amazing powers? Was he really a "good guy"? Who was he? -
and many people offering up their
opinions - He was really in league with Los Tostador. He is the
greatest thing to happen to the city. It's great that crime is down,
but we could do without the stink.

Greg shook his head. If only they knew, he thought, if
only they knew
.

Greg folded up his paper, set down some coins for a tip, and left
the cafe, heading into the big city, hoping that this would be the day
that Flatulence Man wouldn't be needed.

[But his hopes would not come true today...]

Just a few blocks from the cafe that Greg had left, on the opposite
end of Scroom Park, a strange scene was unfolding. In a grassy field
in the park the ground was beginning to lift and heave. The ground
seemed to ripple, sending waves of dirt away from the epicenter,
knocking over those people who happened to be walking nearby.

As people began to run away from the grass field, the undulations
became more intense, yet more localized, until there was a seeming
explosion of grass and dirt, knocking over anyone within a hundred
yards of the blast.

As the flying dirt settled, those in the area noticed that the
ground had stopped its gyrations. However, there was a new concern, as
something started to crawl out of the newly formed crater in the park.

Some people stared in amazement; others ran. On one end of the
field a tall, thin man started running away, yelling, "No! No! Not
again! I am so getting out of this town!"

There were those that stayed, however, out of fear or curiousity.
And they were treated to an impressive site. The ... creature
... which emerged from the crater was easy to identify, even though it
was completely new to everyone there. It had three pairs of
insect-like legs, although as it reached the top edge of the crater it
stood upright on its powerful rearmost legs. The body was covered in a
black chitin, which framed what appeared to be a muscular, human
torso. Two very human arms extended out from its shoulders, protected
by chitin down to just above the elbows.

Suddenly the creature jumped off the top of dirt pile, landing
lightly and running quickly on its six legs. It stopped in front of
one of the bums that made Scroom Park his home.

The bum took a step back, shaking. "What the hell are you?"

"I am the Scorpion," the monster answered, "but I am not from
Hell." Suddenly his tail whipped around and stung the man in the neck,
injecting him with the Scorpion's deadly poison. The Scorpion watched
the man's body quiver momentarily. "Hell didn't want anything to do
with me." He stepped over the man's now still body, and slowly
advanced into the city.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Monday, October 04, 2004

In my pantry...

...I found this. I always wondered why people called me the "King of Soul Food" - now I know.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

A Chili party? No, really, chili?

Ah, the great Chili Puke Your Guts Off, or something like that. It all started off simple enough, just some people in a backyard.

And see, my chili is on the left. That's pretty cool. I'm in a cook-off!

This was my first clue that things were about to go horribly, horribly wrong. Another North Dakotan in the contest? Who actually has the pure, anadulturated gall to announce the fact?!?!?!?

But things seemed to return to normal. Look, a cute kid and a cute kid's mom. Maybe this place isn't so bad after all...

But trouble was certain to start. It all began with Larry attempting to find the mute button. Damn you, Larry!

Now Brad had to try and "fix" his own TV. Of course, he became so transfixed by the Gophers special teams' disaster that he was rendered immobile for half an hour.

See, this picture was taken half an hour later.

When he did finally get off the floor, his mother wanted him to try on some fancy new satin panties. I didn't realize it was going to be that kind of party.

If Scott doesn't post any pictures, it's not because he didn't bring his camera. Ha!

A number of people bolted outside to try and avoid Brad, who was inside modelling his new panties.

I then became fire-obsessed. Larry is fixing the fire!

The fire is bigger!

Dang, the fire is smaller!

More wood for the fire! That'll do it!

Oooh! The fire with a different camera setting!

At some point a winner was announced. This is the awards ceremony, I think.

Eventually I realized that I was sitting across from Satan. It was at that point that I decided to leave. Satan and I have a strict non-compete clause.

Friday, October 01, 2004

What they really said


"You bitch! You told me you were going to wear blue! Now I have to
go home and change!"


Thursday, September 30, 2004

Colorado Dreamin'

It was cold and dark, the crisp Colorado wind finding its way
inside my jacket like cold air being pushed along by atmospheric
conditions. I was somewhere on the mountain, lost. Lost, like a human
who is in a location that is unknown to him. Or her.

I looked around for something familiar, but, as I mentioned before,
it was dark, like being in a place where there wasn't much light. I
sat down on the ground and looked through my backpack, trying to find
something that would help me out.

I took everything out and laid it in front of me: GPS unit, two-way
radio, cell phone, flashlight, canteen. Damn it! I thought,
nothing useful.

But wait! There was something else hidden in my backpack, like an
item resting unseen in an accessory that you use to carry supplies
whlie hiking.

It was my matchbook! However, there was only one match left, so
whatever I did I needed to do it right the first time. I was nervous,
like a person who realizes that they are in a difficult situation and
has only one chance to make things better. I found some kindling in
the brush, and started to make my bonfire. I added all the useless
stuff from my backpack - my trail maps, instruction manuals, compass,
snacks. To make sure the fire would get going, I also set on it my
flare gun and the dynomite I had been carrying around.

I very carefully took out my one remaining match. I had only one
shot at getting this fire started. I held the match near the kindling
and paper and lit it. Fire! It worked! I set the flaming match against
the paper. It started on fire! It was working!

I stood next to the fire, helping to get it going to a proper
blaze. The fire grew, and slowly consumed the flare gun. Suddenly
there was a loud explosion, and I felt a searing pain, as if a
projectile had been fired towards my body, exploding upon hitting my
hand, leaving only a bloody stump below the elbow.

It's a small price to pay for my rescue, I thought.

I laid down next to the fire, knowing that someone would see the
blaze and come rescue me. This isn't so bad, I thought to
myself, as the fire reached the dynomite. I didn't even feel a thing,
as the explosion ended my life, bits of wood, metal and plastic
ripping into my body like bits of wood, metal and plastic ripping into
my body.

This isn't so bad.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The funniest hour of television...

... is not Joey followed by Will & Grace, as NBC
wants you to believe. In actuality, the funniest hour of television is
Scrubs followed by The Daily Show. Unfortunately, Law
and Order: Special Victims Unit
is in between those two shows, and
that dramatically reduces the humor quotient.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Oh, by the way

Try out Klund's
Photoblog
for pictures without lies. Sad, but true.


CSI: Miami

I'm really starting to get bored with CSI: Miami. I think
it's because that bastard Horation (or, as I like to call him, "H") is
starting to get just a wee bit too empathetic for my
liking.


Monday, September 27, 2004

Valley Fair

We went to Valley Fair yesterday. I won't explain why, because it
doesn't matter. The important thing is that I was able to do my civic
duty.


We were walking along, minding our own business, when I noticed
some suspicious behavior. There was a group of people - they
appeared to be Arab - and they were definitely acting out of the
ordinary. They were congregating in a group, they were taking
pictures, and they were talking to each other in a language I
didn't understand
. I'm pretty sure it was Arabic.


Of course I was scared. What could they be plotting? So I did the
only thing that an American could do. I used my cell phone and called
911. I told them that there was a group of shifty Arabs acting
suspiciously. I told them that they had set down a bundle, which I was
sure contained explosives. Yes, I was worried for my life, and for my
family's safety, but if I didn't make the call, who would?


It didn't take long for security to come. Guns were drawn, the
police were shouting at the Arabs, making them line up against the
wall with their hands behind their heads. The women and children, too
(can you imagine the audacity of terrorists, bringing their women and
children along with them?). In the chaos, I saw at least one man's
camera thrown to the ground and smashed - at least some pictures won't
be going back to Al Quada to provide them with information to
perpetuate their horrific plans of terror. The suspicious bag was
searched - it looked like a diaper bag (will they stop at
nothing?).


We continued on after a while, knowing that we were, for a little
while at least, safe from the diabolical scheming of the enemies of
freedom. Maybe they weren't terrorists, but in this day and age you
can never be too safe. I did what I felt was right. I did what every
American should do. I slept well last night.


Saturday, September 25, 2004

Movie Review: The Hours

I hate movies like this.

This is the kind of movie that art critics love, not because it's a good movie, but because it looks like a good movie, and if you don't say that you like it, everyone will think that you're retarded.

How did Nicole Kidman win an Oscar for this? Simple, she put on a prosthetic nose. I'm not sure what it says about the state of women's roles in Hollywood right now, but to win an Oscar lately you need to be a beautiful woman pretending to be ugly (Charlize Theron), a beautiful woman with a prosthetic nose (Kidman), or a beautiful woman being trashy (Halle Berry). Let's see, I guess that means that Renee Zelwegger is guaranteed the next Oscar for adding 30 pounds in the upcoming Bridget Jones movie.

This movie is full of people acting very dramatically. Ooh, look at the anguish on their faces. They have such difficult decisions - should they kill themselves, or continue to live their posh existence with people who love them. What a bunch of losers. Ed Harris throws himself out of a window after muttering some very touching and (I'm sure) meaningful commentary on the state of the world, when, in reality, his last words would be "OH SHIT!!!"

I want my money back, and I didn't even pay for the damn thing.



Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Blanneling - Channeling the Blog III - Digifreaxs Blog

[Editor's note: This post is the third and final installment of Klund's Peabody Award winning series entitled "Blanneling - Channeling the Blog", where Klund attempts to channel the essence of a blogger found using the Next Blog link.]

Source: http://digifreax.blogspot.com/

Mittwoch.

Ich hatte meinen Geographietest heute. Es war sehr hart, aber ich denke, daß ich hübschen Brunnen tat. Seit I'm, das dieses in Deutschen übersetzt, denken I don't, daß ich zu viel Material wirklich schreiben muß. Ich bedeute, it's nicht als ob Mittelherr Mustard und Scooter wirklich eine Übersetzung von diesem tun werden, bin sie? Wenn sie, dann they're wirklich Lamé.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Blanneling - Channeling the Blog II - TwiNkLe stAr PaLaCe

[Editor's note: This post is the second in an innovative and shocking three-part series entitled "Blanneling - Channeling the Blog", where Klund attempts to channel the essence of a blogger found using the Next Blog link.]

Source: http://twinklez-starz.blogspot.com/

... weekend komin ...

the weekend is komin ... yeah ... but not all good ... i have rite abt a guy ... he not want to be with me ... sobs sobs ... i miss him already, tho never was togethr

worse news is weibo is hurt ... he still in beijing hospital ... juz feel like very sad ...

i have macroeconomics homework ... too tird to do it ... now lazy ...

Monday, September 20, 2004

Blanneling - Channeling the Blog I - Complete Randomness

[Editor's note: This post is the first in an experimental three-part series entitled "Blanneling - Channeling the Blog", where Klund attempts to channel the essence of a blogger found using the Next Blog link.]

Source: http://completerndmness.blogspot.com/

Yesterday my mom totally ragged on me about my geometry test. OMG! She said that if I don't get my grades up she is going to ground me from my computer. WHATEVER! I had the most amazing time this weekend on my camping trip. Bri and I called up Josh, and he had NO IDEA who was calling! YAYNESS!!! lol! We were up sooooo late talking! I am SOOO tired today - I almost fell asleep in history class. Gotta go do homework. adios!

Friday, September 17, 2004

My TV just told me

that the next "According to Jim", staring the living Belushi brother,
will be "funnier than you can conceive." Something tells me that
statement is probably true.

Movie Review: The Others

So, basically, Nicole Kidman's character was dead, her kids were dead
(because she smothered them with a pillow), and the servants were
dead. They were all dead, but Kidman didn't realize it. And the
"intruders" were living people who had moved into Kidman's house. I
guess that was the big twist ending. I kinda liked it.

*** WARNING *** This review contained SPOILERS.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Understatement!

I think that, in pretty much any context, this quote is an
understatement:


It was unfortunate that his teeth hit my carotid artery.

Full story here.