Haiku Book Review: Thud!, Terry Pratchett

Dwarves and Trolls, oh my!

A secret at Koom Valley.

Can Sam Vimes fix it?

94

Haiku Movie Review: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Very odd people

Embark on a sea voyage.

Quirky, oddball fun.

68

Haiku Book Review: Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer

Twelve year old genius

And criminal mastermind.

Good book for Koleman.

80

Haiku Book Review: Going Postal, Terry Pratchett

Spoof the Post Office,

And business and cons too.

Moist von Lipwig rules.

91

Haiku Movie Revew: The Upside of Anger

It's no Field of Dreams.

Costner sure put on some weight.

SPOILER: Hubby's dead.

54

Haiku Book Review: Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett

Crazy army group

Fights foes and old ideas.

Pratchett rocks again.

92

Haiku Movie Revew: Hitch

Hitch helps dating men.

But can he learn to love too?

Corny, cute and fun.

64

Food for Thought

Thought

A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon, and gas prices rise forty cents in the U.S.

Wow

I just finished reading a remarkable book, The Last Shot, by Darcy Frey. For me it was deja vu all over again, as it brought me back to my days as a high school basketball player. The pressure of playing against the top players in the country, of performing in front of top Division I coaches, knowing that if you fail at basketball you will end up in a life of drugs, living in horrible projects at a poverty level, praying that you will be able to score a 700 on your SAT - all of these things were the hallmark of my high school days.

I give it an 84 for its ability to mirror my life.

Crap

Damn you, Larry.

I thought that it was time to let this godforsaken blog die the pitiful death that it had earned, but then I started getting hits from CDFFL. So now I feel compelled to post something. Fine, here goes:

If you are visiting here from CDFFL, thank you for contributing money to what will surely be the Kevin Lund Victory Tour.

Now go away.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

What do I like?

In a comment to a previous post of mine, Scooter said, "I don't think I ever pictured you as a Green Day fan."

It made me wonder, what kind of music do you think I like? And that led, naturally, to the thought that there should be an exciting contest, where the few losers who look at my blog can guess at what are the most frequently played songs on my iPod. But a contest is meaningless without a prize, and so, to stoke your contemplations, I have come up with a reward that is priceless. To the person who makes the best guess I reward ... praise on a CDFFL recap. Yes, when Larry allows me to do a recap, I will have nothing but kind words for the lucky winner.

This is certainly the greatest thing anybody has ever seen on a Friday morning.

Great job, Larry!

You're excellent at PhotoShop, I'll give you that. I mean, this picture hardly has any flaws at all. Bravo!

Does this hurt his Hall of Fame chances?

ESPN.com - MLB - Palmeiro suspended for steroids, denies using them

Nice way to follow up the good publicity you received from joining the 3,000 hit club. "Palmeiro said he had accepted his punishment and could not explain how the steroids got into his body." Sure, I'll buy that. Probably some jealous teammate spiked his Coke. As the Green Goblin so eloquently put it, "the one thing they love more than a hero is to see a hero fail." So true.

I swear to god, STAY AWAY!!

Do not, under any circumstances, download and install Google Earth. If, by accident, you do happen to install Google Earth, PLEASE do not go to the Google Earth Community website and start poking around there. And ESPECIALLY don't visit the Earth Browsing section. For the love of God, listen to me! Once you've gone in, you'll never come out!

HELP ME!

I think they want you, Scooter

An open casting call looking for "extreme characters and hideously unattractive types." Just to warn you, though, this isn't a paid interview. Sorry.

Book Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, J.K. Rowlings

It's hard to describe accurately what one feels upon completing the latest addition to the Harry Potter series. It certainly picks up the story where Order of the Phoenix left off, but it strays a bit from the style that we've come to expect from Rowlings.

Is there wizardry? Yes, of course! But it's not exactly the same. For example, in this book Ron ventures into Knockturn Alley to meet with a shady wizard. But instead of attempting to gain information to help Harry defeat Lord Voldemort, Ron purchases a "self-enhancement" potion, in order to "increase" and "enlarge" his chances of making a "significant impression" on Hermione. (if you know what I mean)

Is there witchcraft? Again, of course! It's just that I didn't expect to read about Ginny Weasly filming an erotic home video with Professor Flitwick where they "charm the pants off one another." (and I think you know what I mean)

Probably the most surprising aspect of the book was learning that Dumbledore (the titular Half-Blood Prince) had in fact been a minion of Voldemort's all along. When his connection to the Dark Lord was revealed, he fled to London with Snape, and the two of them moved into a flat in Soho, where "Dumbledore would pay the rent, and Snape would take care of the utilities." (and I know you know what I mean)

The ending of the book is even more surprising, but I don't want to give it away for those who have yet to read it. Here's a hint though: Harry, Hagrid, two Boy Scouts, four "wands", and a ham sandwich. (oh yeah, you know what I mean)

Anyway, I give it a 99.

Furthermore

I am supposed to link to my greatest posts, so all of the losers who come here from the City Pages will know how brilliant I think I am. Or something like that. I never get these things correct.

• My archive from last September is loaded with brilliant posts. Amazing.
• Is it possible to top the adventures of Flatulence Man?
• Of course, my account of The Wiggles True Hollywood Story is a masterpiece beyond compare.
• And finally, the coop de resistor: this post. Wow.

Happy?

Have I mentioned yet

that people who read the City Pages are simple-minded fools who believe that spurning mass media options makes them somehow better than other people? Is there anything more disgusting than self-important boobs?

Larry, Quick!

Read this before you get in trouble! Beware big brother!

Mix and Match

Angelina Jolie adopts Ethiopian AIDS orphan

Reuters - Tue Jul 5,11:14 PM ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Actress Angelina Jolie is adopting a newborn Ethiopian girl orphaned by AIDS, People magazine reported on Tuesday.

Thomson-West

[Post deleted in order to make sure someone who isn't responsible for this doesn't get held responsible for this.]"Thomson-West, Eagan, MN" "Thomson-West paranoid fascist cows." testicles idiots heroin

Trivia

I just finished a series where I learned that Satan is, oddly enough, the stepfather of God. What series did I finish?

Mean Mr. Mustard has been meaning to post on this

but just hasn't found the time yet.

Is there a more meaningless statistic in baseball than the hold? The thought is valid - a way to statistically quantify the value of middle relievers. But something is obviously wrong with the implementation. Today Alan Embree got a Hold - despite the fact that all three batters he faced got on base and scored. Here's his line:

	IP	H	R	ER	BB	K	HR	Season ERA
A. Embree (H, 3)	0.0	1	3	2	1	0	0	7.79

[Straight Line:] It must be nice to have a job where you can be a complete and utter failure and still get the spoils of success.

Oh crap

The perverts have found my photo blog:

	Num	Perc.	Search Term
	2	18.18%	photos of cute boys

Subliminal Parenting

While Kelson sits in the living room reading Animal Babies, ABC, he is listening to American Idiot.

So, which is it?

Are lions noble and wonderful, or vindictive and evil? They need to make up their minds, because I'm getting confused.

Father's Day

We had a very nice Father's Day, and one that Scooter should appreciate. We (myself, my dad, my grandfather and my brother, along with our significant others and children) went to New Ulm to go on the Schell's brewery tour. It's short and simple, which is good when one member of the party is a couple months removed from knee replacement surgery. And you definitely recoup your $2 entrance fee in the taphouse afterward. We finished up the brewery tour with a trip to Happy Joe's pizza. Ah, Happy Joe's pizza...

Pizza and beer - it's easy to please fathers.

I can die a happy man, now

I just saw Bo Bice perform on the Today Show. Life is good.

I will now go shoot myself

The National Father's Day Council has announced their four finalists for Father of the Year. The finalists include Donald Trump and Larry King, who have combined for 10 marriages and 10 children. How can I compete with that?

Full Story Here.

Very odd

I can now provide Mean Mr. Mustard a reason to watch the NBA Finals. I was watching the Heat-Pistons game last night and whenever I saw Chauncey Billups I knew that he looked like somebody, but I couldn't place who. Eventually I realized that, as odd as it seems, Billups looks like Scott Hanson. Not all the time, of course, but it is especially noticeable after a call that Billups doesn't like. He and Hanson have almost the exact same expression when showing their disgust for a call.

This is the best picture I could find, and it doesn't really do the similarity justice:

It is probably wise to keep in mind, however, that I only have the brain the size of a walnut.

Ouch

I know my opinion doesn't count for much, but seeing Hakeem like this is just painful. I'm sure Mean Mr. Mustard agrees completely.

Grass Stains

If you have a problem with grass stains, go to Tide's stain detective to get the answer. However, under no circumstances should you click on the link "richard from Orange County uses tide."

That's just not right.

Classic

This is pure brilliance. From the way Jose is seated behind the little missus to the fact that they're both holding the horse, I just can't look at this picture without conjuring up some seriously twisted scenarios.

Jose Santos

Issue: 2004 Photo by Richard Corman Rita and Jose Santos (Jockey) Saratoga Springs, N.Y. Swimsuit by OMO Norma Kamali

Excuse me?

Why didn't Sanchita join her sisters? Odd, dontchathink?

By this time tomorrow

I should be eating a Frenchy's grouper sandwich. If not, it probably means that I perished in a fiery ball of death. Looks like a win-win scenario for me.

I'm sure Mean Mr. Mustard will agree with this

Just some ratings:

• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 85
• The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, 82
• Life, The Universe, and Everything, 78
• So Long and Thanks For All the Fish, 84
• Mostly Harmless, 69
  
  

Bourne cleared of charges; Lund sought for questioning

St. Peter, Minn. (KTL) In a stark reversal from yesterday's activities at Klund's DVD headquarters, super-spy Jason Bourne was cleared from all charges related to the weekend's DVD player breakdown. Authorities now want to question an unnamed suspect who is now believed to be behind the malfunction.

Klund chief investigator Nivek Dnul explained that a Klund DVD technologist took apart the DVD player and found that The Bourne Supremacy was actually placed in the DVD drive on top of The Incredibles. "It seems that the malfunction was due to interaction between the two DVD's. Mr. Incredible and Jason Bourne both think they're the toughest dudes on the block, so naturally any contact between the two of them would cause nasty side effects. We believe that they were intentionally placed in close proximity in order to spark a fight."

Klund investigators are looking for a tall, young and extremely handsome man who was spotted at the scene of the crime moments before the malfunction.

Is it too soon to buy Larry

his birthday present?

Jason Bourne Killed my Toshiba DVD Player

OK, this is stupid, I'm sure. Last night I opened up a brand new DVD - the Bourne Supremacy. I put it in my Toshiba SD-V391 DVD/VCR combo, and it died. The DVD screen said "Reading Disc" and froze. I tried turning it off and then on again, and at that point the thing was officially dead. I couldn't turn it on, I couldn't get the DVD out of the machine. Heck, it wasn't even passing the cable signal on to the TV!

Is it possible for a DVD to kill a player? Or was it just a coincidence? The machine had been working fine up to this point. My only conclusion is that Jason Bourne did some of his super-spy moves on the inside of my DVD player and now it's dead.

Damn, that's not nice.

And the disc is still in there. When I do get the disc out, I'm not sure if I want to try it in our other DVD player. He still might be angry.

Cold Mountain

66.

It would have been in the 30's except for (and I can't quite believe that I'm typing this) the remarkable Renee Zelwegger. She completely saved the movie. I don't think I could have cared less whether or not Jude Law made it back to Cold Mountain and his dear, beloved Nicole Kidman.

The only other redeeming quality of the movie was who Jude met on his trip home. "Hey, that's Phillip Seymour Hoffman!" "Hey, that's Giovanni Ribisi!" "Hey! That's Natalie Portman!"

Naturally he dies immediately after he overcomes unbelievable odds and actually gets home to his honey. (Oh, and after he knocks up Nicole. That's important, too, I think.) It wouldn't have been appropriately tragic if they lived happily ever after.

Whatever.

Watch out, Scooter

Someone in the Netherlands doesn't trust you.

Wait a second!

I thought we defeated the Taliban years ago. Isn't Afghanistan a peaceful, Coca-Cola loving democray now? What gives?

Another Thing I Learned

This obesity epidemic is going a bit too far. I saw plenty of young girls/women Saturday night who were wearing clothes that showed off some of their belly. I would say that, at best, 1 out of 5 should have been dressed like that. Not pretty.

Things learned this weekend

Well, I sure did learn a lot this weekend. In no particular order:

• If I park in the Kellog ramp after an Xcel event I'll probably sit in my van for 20 minutes before even turning it on.
  
• It's amazing what kind of response you can get (as a rock god, of course) by merely remembering where you are. Adam Levine: "St. Paul, Minnesota!" (not "Hello, St. Paul!" or "How are you doing St. Paul?" All he did was name the place.) Crowd: [goes nuts]. "He knows where he is!" Swoon.
• If the line to get into a restaurant stretches into their parking lot, it is by definition a good restaurant.
• Napoleon Dynamite was entertaining, but not "brilliant", "groundbreaking" or "scatological." Klund rating: 72.
  
• Benefit number 47 of being married to a dentist: When you get a salmon bone stuck into your tonsils, your spouse has the tools to easily remove it. (and yes, I feel like a complete idiot for not getting photographic evidence)
• Those bastards at Yahoo! have Cossetta's at the wrong place. Or at least at a location that they occupied probably 50 years ago.
• Pope Benedict XVI prayed not to be elected Pope. I'm sure prayer has its place, but don't you think a well-placed "If elected I will not serve" speech would have been more effective?
• It's sad what I consider learning a lot.
  

Looks like someone is already blogging for Mean Mr. Mustard

Ron's Apartment: Penguicon - Day 1 - part 2

Yippee for you

I really wish that I brought my digital camera with me everywhere, because then I would have been able to provide a picture instead of describing what I saw today. Everyone has seen the bumber stickers that proclaim "My child is an honor roll student at Dumbsville High", or some such nonsense. Apparently there are also bumber stickers for stupid kids. A minivan that I saw today had a sticker which proclaimed, "My child is a Terrific Kid at [some school I can't remember]." Wow. Terrific, huh? That's great.

What a joke

It's a complete and utter outrage that Greg Biffle is ranked number 2. I am deeply hurt and offended.

My high score was 61

But I'm sure that can be topped.

Yikes!

I haven't blogged in 8 days! If I'm not careful I'll be as bad as Mean Mr. Mustard!

Now for Something Completely Different

A Poem:

You're flashing rain ... pouring, rolling.

I'm comin' on across a young sky.

My lightening's only a hurricane.

You're like the thunder, but I'm gonna die.

(Words taken from the first verse of AC/DC's "Hells Bells", then rearranged to my satisfaction. Feel free to play this game at home.)

Holy Crap!

I just realized something:

• Koleman - Name L OK
• Elias - Sail, E
• Milena - An Eli M
• Kelson - No slek

Dear god, what does this portend?

Hey kids! Look!

Santa is dead!

What the hell

do I post on April Fools Day to a blog that is already all lies? The
truth? OK, Kelson just crapped his pants. April Fools! Maybe.

Another reason Scooter won't move to St. Peter

Apparently more
loonies have escaped. It's all good, though, because - according
to Yahoo! - my house is 0.4 miles away from the treatment center. No
worries, then. And it makes me feel safe when the helicopters buzz
right over my house. The kids like to watch the helicopters. "Why are
there helicopters flying over our house, daddy?" "Um, they're looking
for leprechauns!"

A Quote

From Terry Pratchett's Moving Pictures:

... Victer Tugelbend was also the laziest person in the
history of the world. Not simply, ordinarily lazy. Ordinary laziness
was merely the absence of effort. Victor had passed through there a
long time ago, had gone straight through common place idleness and out
on the far side. He put more effort into avoiding work than most
people put into hard labor.

Wiggle While you Work

[Note: I recently hacked into the computer system of the E! Entertainment Network, and downloaded a portion of a transcript. It is from an upcoming show of theirs, "The E! True Hollywood Story: The Wiggles." Unfortunately I only got a small bit of it. Here's what I got:]

...

Narrator: They returned to Australia as conquering heroes, their American tour a success beyond imagination. The Wiggles were on top of the world, with CD's selling millions of copies worldwide and their TV show being broadcast in 25 countries, dubbed into 11 languages. Everything seemed to be going The Wiggles way.

[dramatic pause]

Narrator: However, old demons would soon return to create a rift in The Wiggles harmony. Could this be the end of the foursome?

[commercial break]

Narrator: At the beginning of 2002, the Wiggles were the most successful children's performers in the world. Everything they touched was a success – CD's, videos, merchandise. Those close to the group, however, saw a different picture. The unity of the group was fracturing, and one of the Wiggles was going to face the toughest test of his life.

Maury Steinberg (Jeff's agent): I think Jeff got a little disillusioned. He had always wanted to be a famous singer, but I think he hoped that the girls screaming for him would have been a bit ... older. Not that he didn't get some action. Of course, he told me that if he bagged one more mom with stretch marks and saggy - er, you know - he'd probably kill himself.

Narrator: Jeff had a reputation among the crew of The Wiggles show as someone to avoid. They considered him moody, and tried to avoid his darker side.

James Smythe (producer): Jeff had a definite edge to him off the set. It was what made him the best actor of the group. On stage he was likeable and silly, but off stage he was a beast. All of us who worked on the show stayed out of his way. Greg and Anthony really were as nice as their Wiggles personality, and Murray ... well, Murray was always a bit different, but he never caused any problems for the crew. Jeff ... did some things.

“Dave” (crew member) [face blurred]: There was a new cameraman one time who played a practical joke on Jeff. Stupid, stupid thing to do, but the guy didn't know any better. You could tell Jeff was pissed, even though he didn't say anything. He just stared at the guy. Mike, I think. He called in sick the next few days, and it turned out he was nursing a knife wound. Seemed like more than just a coincidence, but nothing came of it. He quit before he came back to work.

Narrator: Jeff had a history of trouble, and it was about to get much worse.

Bob Smithson (friend): Jeff had been clean for about six years at this point, but I think everything was getting to him. I came over to his place one night and he was in pretty bad shape. I asked him what was wrong. I guess that was a mistake. He told me that if I didn't “stay the **** away from him” it would be the end of me. Now, I know that Jeff doesn't look like the toughest guy when he's got his purple shirt on, but you didn't want to mess with him. He still had a couple of friends from his days running with the Duece gang in Sydney. Greg and Anthony made it clear that those guys could never be anywhere near anything involving the Wiggles, but they would camp out at Jeff's flat for months at a time. There were always rumors about them cleaning up some of Jeff's messes. There was this girl once... Nevermind, let's cut that. I don't want to talk about that.

Narrator: The Wiggles had a three week break after returning from their American tour, and before starting filming on the new season of The Wiggles TV show. During that time Greg and Anthony took their families on a vacation to a resort in India. Murray returned to the privacy of his Gore Hill estates. Jeff, however, returned to his roots, spending much of his time with old friends from the Duece gang and allegedly resuming his heroin habit.

Narrator: Conflicts within the group came to a head in April of 2002, when the group came together at the studio for filming. On the first day of the shoot, Jeff came to the studio two hours late and in a very agitated state. E! has acquired exclusive footage of a confrontation between Jeff and Greg shortly after Jeff arrived on set.

Greg: Damn it, Jeff! Pull yourself together. We're supposed to be filming here and you can't even walk straight? What the hell have you been doing?

Jeff: **** you, Greg! You and Anthony can keep that queer bastard Murray in line, but I'm sick of it. [muttering] I'm going to go take a nap. Isn't that what I do best anyway? “Wake up, you ****bag, Jeff!” I'm out of here. I see that the kids are here. I hope Anthony is in charge of watching Murray today.

Greg: What? Oh, bugger, I've got to go. Listen, just go to your dressing room and relax. We'll talk about this later.

Narrator: But Jeff didn't go to his dressing room. Police reports indicate that less than an hour later he was arrested for propositioning an undercover police agent.

...

Did I mention that I moved away from Fargo?

Not a moment too soon.

Mix and Match (it's been a while)

6. Remains May Be of Oldest Walking Hominid

AP - Mon Mar 7, 8:04 AM ET

A team of U.S. and Ethiopian scientists has discovered the fossilized remains of what they believe is humankind's first walking ancestor, a hominid that lived in the wooded grasslands of the Horn of Africa nearly 4 million years ago.

Full Coverage Sent: 320 times

Who am I?

I heard someone attempt to describe themselves and thought that it would be a worthwhile exercise. So here is how I would describe myself:

Take all of the greatest people in the world, living or dead - the smartest, kindest, best looking, most ingenious people - and combine them together. I'm talking about people like Mother Theresa, Leonardo da Vinci, the three Alberts (Schweitzer, Einstein and Fat), John F. Kennedy, Jesus Christ. Mix all of them together, and then remove the few character flaws and imperfections that each of them had.

Next, take those character flaws and distill them for a thousand years, allowing only the most evil, the most cold-hearted, the most disgusting, and the most vile traits to remain. And truly these traits will be spectacular, for every person has the ability to be evil to the same degree that they are good. Then take the remaining mix and bake it in the fiery furnaces of Hell for another thousand years. Remove it when it is human shaped, pink skinned, and bounces back when pressed lightly.

That's me, I think.

Oh, make sure to keep all the reserved people bits from the first step. If used properly they can be the ingredients to make a Peter Jackson.

Something is so wrong with this

Best Selling artists in USA
In million of units sold:

1. The Beatles, 166.5
2. Elvis Presley, 117.5
3. Led Zeppelin, 106
4. Garth Brooks, 105
5. The Eagles, 88

Source: Recording Industry Association of America

Blogging is all fun and games, until the boss finds out - Feb. 14, 2005

Blogging is all fun and games, until the boss finds out - Feb. 14, 2005

Mean Mr. Mustard and Scooter had better pay attention to this story. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure that no matter what I post I'm not getting fired.

Bwahahahaha!!

I kid you not

This story is easily the best thing I've seen in a long time. It completely restores my faith in humanity.

Lawrence K. Davies

is my new favorite person. Love him!

For Larry

I used the BlogThis! link for the first time, and look what it got me: NaNa!!!: Just Thinking...

If you ask me

There is no better phrase in the English language than "Franky G is Jonny Zero."

Good News

Nothing makes my day like hearing about the death of someone who I had assumed had been dead for a quarter century. Happy times.

Based on the trailer

Constantine looks to be the worst movie made in many years. I'm sure Ming will let us know for sure.

In the Dark of the Night

In the dark of the night the beast awoke. Hungering for flesh, the monster lifted its head, sniffing the air. Somewhere deep in the recesses of its mind there was a flicker of recognition - the scent that it detected was not entirely new. More importantly, the beast understood the simplicity of his night's mission. He must track that scent, find its source, and destroy it; all other activities were secondary to that primal urge.

Arising from its lair, the beast stretched its long, lanky frame. It sniffed the air again, confirming the direction that its travels must go. He began his journey, northward through the forest, slowly at first. As his limbs loosened - how long had I slept? - he increased his speed, until he was nothing more than a blur racing between trees and over streams.

As the cool wind whipped his face, the monster started to remember things. Small bits of information; things learned ages ago in a world so different than the one in which he currently dwelled. I am Yaz-gael. It comforted him to know that he had a name. His pace quickened. The miles flew by.

He remembered being born. The fire searing his flesh. The cruel marks being cut into his legs. The commands written into the very fabric of his being. Hunt. Find. Destroy. Was he still controlled by those beings? The Mahl-grok. He remembered their name, as well. Names are important; it is unwise to kill something without knowing its name.

Yaz-gael slowed and came to a stop. He was in a wooded valley, with mountains rising high above him to the east and west. Before him a rock jutted out of the ground, cracked and marked, looking almost like a hooded man, covered with a great cloak. He remembered this place. Great evil was done here. He could not remember who had performed the vile acts, but he knew he was involved. The blood spoiled the earth. Indeed, nothing grew within a yard of the rock.

Turning aside, he headed north, and began to run again.

The beast sniffed the air again, and quickly stopped. The scent had changed. He knows I am coming for him. He is not alone. It did not matter to Yaz-gael. Once started, a hunt could not be stopped. He continued on, but more slowly this time. He is close.

"Call off your hunt."

A cloaked figure stepped out from behind a tree. "I can not allow you to pass. You must call off your hunt. I am a warden of Dim-al-garong, and you are forbidden here." The figure slowly drew his sword from the scabbard at his side.

Yaz-gael examined the warden. One of the Loren-folk. He lifted his grotesque head and spoke for the first time in years, "Your name." The sound of his voice was unwelcome in the forest; it seemed to come from fetid pools deep within the recesses of the earth. The trees appeared to recoil from the sound.

The warden took a step back and responded slowly, unwillingly, "I am Dal Hond."

"Dal Hond."

As the beast spoke the warden's name, he became a blur. Before the man was able to raise his sword his arm was cut from his body. Claws sharp as knives ripped through his throat, silencing him before he screamed.

Yaz-gael licked the blood from one of his claws. It is not time to feed yet. Soon. He advanced slowly through the woods, the scent of his prey becoming more pronounced. A light flickered ahead. He continued on, and approached the source of the light, a fire burning just inside the entrance to a cave. As he stepped into the clearing in front of the cave he sensed a disturbance in the air.

Quickly reaching up, he snatched the arrow before it struck his head. He once again became a blur, racing to his left, around a tree, coming up behind the warden who had loosed the arrow.

"Your name."

The warden tried to run, but his legs would not work. He fell to the ground, helplessly. He whimpered, "I am Nash Tole."

"Nash Tole."

Nash looked up and saw the firelight reflected in Yaz-gael's hideous eyes. He began to scream, but no sound ever came out of his mouth.

The beast walked over the warden's body and came to the cave entrance. Sitting beside the fire, facing the entrance, was a young boy, perhaps ten or eleven years old. The boy looked at Yaz-gael with clear blue eyes. "I told them to let me wait for you alone, but they thought they could protect me. They have not met your kind before."

"Your name."

The beast's voice seemed to fill the cave with a foul stench. The fire flickered and dimmed. The boy looked at Yaz-gael and laughed; a clear sparkling sound that chased the beast's stench out of the cave. "You have no power over me, monster. But it matters not, you already know my name."

The beast looked at the boy. Memories flickered in his head. Images of ages long past - fire, pain, laughter? He shook his head. The hunt was on, and it had to be finished. He had a single purpose. Yes, he knew the boy's name, and he spoke it to him, "Kahl Brin."

"Yes, that is my name," the boy answered, rising, "and now our game begins in earnest."

And he vanished.

Surprise!

So this weekend we watched two movies: Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! (RottenTomatoes rating: 53%), and Collateral (RottenTomatoes rating: 85%). Now, I don't claim to be on the cutting edge of art and culture, like some people, so my views are probably not worth the pixels they're displayed on. Regardless, I thought that WaDwTH! was easily a better, more entertaining movie than Collateral. Of course, once I admit to having a man-crush on Topher Grace (who has an uncanny resemblance to Bjarki Steinn Traustason), this entire post makes much more sense.

A Game or a Challenge

Here are the top ten entries in Eddie Murphy's filmography, sorted by ratings:

1. (8.10) - Shrek (2001)
2. (7.69) - Shrek 2 (2004)
3. (7.63) - Eddie Murphy Delirious (1983) (TV)
4. (7.29) - Trading Places (1983)
5. (7.19) - Mulan (1998)
6. (7.09) - Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
7. (6.83) - Saturday Night Live: The Best of Eddie Murphy (1998) (V)
8. (6.69) - 48 Hrs. (1982)
9. (6.61) - Dangerous: The Short Films (1993) (V)
10. (6.59) - Coming to America (1988)

Three kids movies, one raunchy stand up comedy, one SNL best-of, the Murphy golden tri-fecta, a Micheal Jackson video collection, and the movie which was the turning point of his career. The challenge is to find something with more variety and more extremes than this.

Additionally, two clicks away from that page was an artist who has an extremely large body of work. For some reason, though, he was always playing "himself". Odd.

More Harry Potter Insanity

The real question for any fan of the Harry Potter series is what sort of resolution there will be between Harry and Professor Snape. While they are enemies inside the confines of Hogwarts, they are apparently allies in the greater Good vs. Evil scheme. Does it make sense for Harry to finally best Snape if Severus helps defeat Lord Voldemort? Or will Snape defect to the Dark Side, allowing Harry to send seven years of resentment and hatred his way? Or will they put aside their differences, turn Draco Malfoy into a giant houka, and smoke their way to eternal enlightenment?

Trust me, this is much more important than the search for WMD's in Iraq.

What? They stopped looking? Oh, right.

Hold the Palantír!

There was actually a 17 year delay between Frodo getting the ring and leaving on his quest. Hello, Mr. Jackson - did you bother to even read the damn book?!?!?

I really liked the movies, but now that I'm starting to see inaccuracies, I'm not so sure.

Trying to improve my chances of getting found in a Google search

Gotta give it a shot:

• lesbian
  
• xxx
  
• anna kournikova
  
• sex
  
• daniel baldwin
  

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes Quote of the Day

"Very sorry to knock you up, Watson," said he, "but it's the common lot this morning. Mrs. Hudson has been knocked up, she retorted upon me, and I on you."

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

"Don't go where I can't follow."

It's a tough life

Yesterday was Michelle's birthday. For her special birthday dinner she asked - nay, forced! - me to provide for her Nick-N-Willy's pizza and beer. Pizza and beer! The things I endure for love!

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

Though they won't admit it, women were much happier when all they had to do was bake shit and pump out kids.

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

2. What does "bicameral" mean? Are any of the girls in your class "bicameral?"