Something Horrible

While looking at the search phrases used to find my other blog, I found a curious one: "milena -velba"

So, I wondered, why would somebody want to search on the name "milena", but explicitly not want to find any sites that also have the name "velba"? Could it be that bad?

Well, the answer is frightening. Please don't click on this link.

Memeorific!

Mean Mr. Mustard tagged me. That was nice of him.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night.
James McAvoy - nobody has ever milked the old getting-hung-in-the-air-suspended-by-meat-hooks-piercing-your-body gag for more laughs. A rare genius.

2. What were you doing at 0800?
Searching for pictures of James McAvoy being tortured.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Eating French Toast.

4. What happened to you in 2006?
According to my other blog, I had a chair fixed.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
"Kelson, get back here! I asked for a Killian's, not a Schell's Dark!"

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Milk, coffee, one Killian's Red, one Schell's Dark. Four

7. What color is your hairbrush?
I think it's blue.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
My last purchase was at Target yesterday. The last thing put in the cart was extra long matches. I'm wild that way.

9. Where were you last night?
At home.

10. What color is your front door?
Wood-colored gray.

11. Where do you keep your change?
Above the refrigerator.

12. What’s the weather like today?
It's creeping towards 50 degrees now, and should top off at 70. Which means that I will be forced to bring the kids outside to play.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Chunky Monkey. Just because.

14. What excites you?
Memes.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
Always.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
Duh.

17. Do you talk a lot?
No.

18. Have you watched any television series, regularly, to which you be ashamed to admit your regular viewership? What was your favorite episode?
CSI:Miami. I loved the episode where Horatio tilted his head, and in a very touching and heartfelt manner told the child/young boy/distraught young woman that "You're safe now."/"Nobody will hurt you again."/"I won't let that happen."

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
When I was a junior in high school, our basketball team was able to have five Steve's on the court at a time. Does that make me cool?

20. Do you make up your own words?
Frequently. For example, I just told Kelson that I was having a "meme-tastic" time.

21. Are you a jealous person?
Why? Should I be? What are you telling me? Is there something I should know? Michelle!!!!

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
Arthur. (wait, was it supposed to be a friend of mine?)

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Kevin.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
That's the cell phone thing, right? Probably a wrong number.

25. What does the last text message you received say?
I actually got a text message from my brother with a picture of his newest baby. And I even knew how to look at it, because I'm techno-savvy.

26. Do you chew on your straw?
If I know what you mean?

27. Do you have curly hair?
Pervert.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
Grocery store. Whoopee.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
Me. I'm a bastard.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
French Toast. (Or, as I first typed it with my right hand in the wrong place: "Frebcg Tiast")

31. Will you get married in the future?
I sure as hell hope not.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
Last King of Scotland. Just last night.

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
As a general rule, I hate people. But there are some exceptions. Just to cover my bases, I'll say this: "I like you."

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Stop. You're killing me.

35. Are you currently depressed?
I'm getting closer.

36. Did you cry today?
OK, now I'm depressed.

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Because I'm depressed.

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey.
The only person I know who blogs and visits my blog (and hasn't done this already) is BiggTree, so I'll pointlessly tag him. I'll tag Michelle, too, since she doesn't have a blog but can read her answers out loud to the poodles.

AND, feel free to change out one of these questions for anything else you want to ask and answer.

More People To Kill

In an unsurprising move, President Bush appointed somebody opposed to contraception to head a Health and Human Services post responsible for overseeing the nations contraception programs. The only way to reconcile his senseless opposition to birth control with his indifference to the number of people killed in Iraq is that he is worried that he might run out of people to kill.

Got to keep supply up, ya know!

Funny

What a comment stream would look like in a meeting. (Some vulgarity)

Worthless Post

I haven't posted anything in a while, so I will just put up this worthless link that you probably don't want to click on.

Fortunate One

We had Chinese tonight. It was yummy. The best part, of course, is the delicious fortune cookies that you get with the meal. I highly recommend W & F Fortune Cookies. My fortune was incredibly poignant:

Art misunderstanding by calm, poise and balance.

Eli's was just disturbing:

Behind an able man, there are always other able men.

Mark me down for not wanting to be able!

Nobel Prize, here I come!

I have just made what will certainly become one of the greatest scientific/theological breakthroughs of our time. And, lucky for you, I am willing to share this.

We humans have, in our noses, a vomeronasal organ (commonly referred to as the Jacobson's Organ). Unfortunately for us, it either does very little or nothing at all. However, in many mammals, it is used to detect pheromones, chemical messengers that carry information between individuals of the same species.

Now, humans were created in God's image. This means that God also has a Jacobson's Organ. And, since God is perfect, this means that His works.

If God is perfect, then nothing that He has would be useless, which means that His Jacobson Organ has to be put to use. And what does He do with it? He detects pheromones from other individuals of the same species.

Ah ha! This tells us, clearly and without any question, that there are other gods! I have proven that we live in a polytheistic universe! All hail God and his ... friends? (Hey, I am only claiming to discover that there are more gods, I'm not the expert on identifying who they are or how they are related to God.)

Anyway, I think this proof is pretty simple, but to dumb it down even more, check this out:

1. Humans have a Jacobson's Organ.
2. Humans were created in God's image, which means that He has a Jacobson's Organ.
3. God is perfect, so His Jacobson's Organ functions.
4. The Jacobson's Organ detects pheromones from individuals of the same species.
5. God is a member of a species which has more individuals.
6. There are more Gods.
7. QED.

I don't know if they offer a Nobel Prize in Theology, but I should get one. (Plus, I went to the best Swedish immigrant founded college in the world, so I should get points for that!)

Since I am an honest guy, I should warn you that you should try and buddy up to me now. Once this theory hits the big time and I become a world famous celebrity, I'm going to dump all my old friends and find newer, cooler ones. Sorry, that's just the way I roll.

So, try and poke a hole in this theory if you can. I have thought about it for many minutes, and am certain that it is as solid as any theological argument I've ever seen. All my research is solid, and the conclusion is incontrovertible. I'm positive that you now see the world in a significantly different way then you did ten minutes ago. It might be difficult to adjust to this new world we are in, but follow my lead, be strong, and we'll get through it together.

Well, not together - I'll be getting through it with my newer, cooler friends.

Thieves! Crooks! Charlatans!

I hate it when people pilfer my work, as some hack AP photographer named Sherrie Peif has done. Haven't I established conclusively that people looking fondly at deer is my area of expertise? I at least should have been credited.

Life is so unfair.

Eye opening

I sure am glad that CNN.com bumped this column by some doofus named Roland Martin to their front page. It's not written particularly well, has no new ideas, is self-congratulatory, builds straw men, and isn't worth the pixels that display it.

Obviously I have no good reasons for determining what gets put on this crappy blog.

Completely Random Post

For some bizarre reason I had a flashback recently, of a Minnesota Twins player who had a long hitting streak to start his career, and then got hurt and had his season end early. I couldn't remember who it was, but knew it was in the past couple of years. So I went to the only place I ever go to find useless baseball statistics, baseball-reference.com.

After some looking, I found the page for Glenn Williams. Called up in June of 2005, he played thirteen games for the Twins, getting a hit in each one. Then he was hurt, and hasn't returned to the majors yet (he's playing for the Twins AAA club).

If you check out his career game log, you'll see that he is a career .425 hitter, and has a hit in every single major league game he's played. Has any baseball player ever had to fight their way through the minor league system just to get the opportunity to continue a hit streak?

Oh wait, he's Australian. That explains everything.

YouTube is great

Love it

Al Gore III was busted for driving 100 mph and having illegal substances in his car. The great part about the story though? He was driving a Prius.

At least he isn't going to make dad look bad on that count.

Speaking of politics

And people who make you sick.

I love Warren Buffett

A rich man who knows his place in the world.

“The 400 of us [here] pay a lower part of our income in taxes than our receptionists do, or our cleaning ladies, for that matter. If you’re in the luckiest 1 per cent of humanity, you owe it to the rest of humanity to think about the other 99 per cent.”

He is a Democrat because Republicans are more likely to think: “I’m making $80 million a year – God must have intended me to have a lower tax rate.”

Wouldn't it be cool to have a political party that you're actually proud to be a part of, instead of trying to figure out which group of people you despise the least?

Anyway, the full article about Buffett is here.

Now, this is important

$4475.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth

Thank you, thank you very little...

We just got a brilliant thank you card. The son of one of my wife's co-workers is getting married, and we sent them a wedding gift. Not wanting to seem cheap, we gave them a pretty nice gift - one of those new-fangled digital picture frames. A nifty little thing.

It was in an odd shaped package, so we needed to find a box the right size. After much searching, we found an old box, wrapped up the gift, and sent it off.

Today we get the thank you card from them:

"Thank you for the unique excercise equipment. We'll need it after our long vacation."

Huh? Wait a second... the box we used to package the gift was from something we bought a couple of years ago, a VersaDisc balance training tool.

Great. They're thinking that we bought them some cheap, bizarre exercise thing, and are probably carelessly tossing around a box that contains some electronic equipment. They most likely unwrapped the present, saw the box, and thought "What cheapskates!"

The strange thing is that everybody knows that you give a VersaDisc to a mother at a baby shower, to help her get rid of that extra baby fat. She should have known that it isn't appropriate for a wedding.

Sigh.

Some things are important to know

For example, one Tom Cruise is equal to the weight of 45.36 chickens.

More weird conversions here.

It makes me both happy and proud

to know that somebody Googled "erotic harry potter ginny weasly" and found my blog. Specifically, my review of The Half-Blood Prince.

I'm actually second on the results list for that search. The key to that, of course, is misspelling "Weasley."

It's Friday, so I give you this

Top Ten Ways to Destroy the Earth

You don't get too many surprises these days

However, the level to which people will sink to avoid responsibility can provide a shock. The father of John Hancock (the St. Louis Cardinals pitcher who recently died in a car accident) is suing those who are truly responsible for John's death. That list includes the tow truck driver and the person whose car stalled.

Let's see, should the blame rest with the person who was drunk, speeding, not buckled, had marijuana in his car and was talking on a cell phone, or a tow truck driver who took an exorbitant amount of time to get a stalled car off the road.

(Oh yeah, an "exorbitant amount of time" is somewhere between seven and fifteen minutes.)

How pathetic.