Grass Stains

If you have a problem with grass stains, go to Tide's stain detective to get the answer. However, under no circumstances should you click on the link "richard from Orange County uses tide."

That's just not right.

Classic

This is pure brilliance. From the way Jose is seated behind the little missus to the fact that they're both holding the horse, I just can't look at this picture without conjuring up some seriously twisted scenarios.

Jose Santos

Issue: 2004 Photo by Richard Corman Rita and Jose Santos (Jockey) Saratoga Springs, N.Y. Swimsuit by OMO Norma Kamali

Excuse me?

Why didn't Sanchita join her sisters? Odd, dontchathink?

By this time tomorrow

I should be eating a Frenchy's grouper sandwich. If not, it probably means that I perished in a fiery ball of death. Looks like a win-win scenario for me.

I'm sure Mean Mr. Mustard will agree with this

Just some ratings:

• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, 85
• The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, 82
• Life, The Universe, and Everything, 78
• So Long and Thanks For All the Fish, 84
• Mostly Harmless, 69
  
  

Bourne cleared of charges; Lund sought for questioning

St. Peter, Minn. (KTL) In a stark reversal from yesterday's activities at Klund's DVD headquarters, super-spy Jason Bourne was cleared from all charges related to the weekend's DVD player breakdown. Authorities now want to question an unnamed suspect who is now believed to be behind the malfunction.

Klund chief investigator Nivek Dnul explained that a Klund DVD technologist took apart the DVD player and found that The Bourne Supremacy was actually placed in the DVD drive on top of The Incredibles. "It seems that the malfunction was due to interaction between the two DVD's. Mr. Incredible and Jason Bourne both think they're the toughest dudes on the block, so naturally any contact between the two of them would cause nasty side effects. We believe that they were intentionally placed in close proximity in order to spark a fight."

Klund investigators are looking for a tall, young and extremely handsome man who was spotted at the scene of the crime moments before the malfunction.

Is it too soon to buy Larry

his birthday present?

Jason Bourne Killed my Toshiba DVD Player

OK, this is stupid, I'm sure. Last night I opened up a brand new DVD - the Bourne Supremacy. I put it in my Toshiba SD-V391 DVD/VCR combo, and it died. The DVD screen said "Reading Disc" and froze. I tried turning it off and then on again, and at that point the thing was officially dead. I couldn't turn it on, I couldn't get the DVD out of the machine. Heck, it wasn't even passing the cable signal on to the TV!

Is it possible for a DVD to kill a player? Or was it just a coincidence? The machine had been working fine up to this point. My only conclusion is that Jason Bourne did some of his super-spy moves on the inside of my DVD player and now it's dead.

Damn, that's not nice.

And the disc is still in there. When I do get the disc out, I'm not sure if I want to try it in our other DVD player. He still might be angry.

Cold Mountain

66.

It would have been in the 30's except for (and I can't quite believe that I'm typing this) the remarkable Renee Zelwegger. She completely saved the movie. I don't think I could have cared less whether or not Jude Law made it back to Cold Mountain and his dear, beloved Nicole Kidman.

The only other redeeming quality of the movie was who Jude met on his trip home. "Hey, that's Phillip Seymour Hoffman!" "Hey, that's Giovanni Ribisi!" "Hey! That's Natalie Portman!"

Naturally he dies immediately after he overcomes unbelievable odds and actually gets home to his honey. (Oh, and after he knocks up Nicole. That's important, too, I think.) It wouldn't have been appropriately tragic if they lived happily ever after.

Whatever.

Watch out, Scooter

Someone in the Netherlands doesn't trust you.

Wait a second!

I thought we defeated the Taliban years ago. Isn't Afghanistan a peaceful, Coca-Cola loving democray now? What gives?

Another Thing I Learned

This obesity epidemic is going a bit too far. I saw plenty of young girls/women Saturday night who were wearing clothes that showed off some of their belly. I would say that, at best, 1 out of 5 should have been dressed like that. Not pretty.

Things learned this weekend

Well, I sure did learn a lot this weekend. In no particular order:

• If I park in the Kellog ramp after an Xcel event I'll probably sit in my van for 20 minutes before even turning it on.
  
• It's amazing what kind of response you can get (as a rock god, of course) by merely remembering where you are. Adam Levine: "St. Paul, Minnesota!" (not "Hello, St. Paul!" or "How are you doing St. Paul?" All he did was name the place.) Crowd: [goes nuts]. "He knows where he is!" Swoon.
• If the line to get into a restaurant stretches into their parking lot, it is by definition a good restaurant.
• Napoleon Dynamite was entertaining, but not "brilliant", "groundbreaking" or "scatological." Klund rating: 72.
  
• Benefit number 47 of being married to a dentist: When you get a salmon bone stuck into your tonsils, your spouse has the tools to easily remove it. (and yes, I feel like a complete idiot for not getting photographic evidence)
• Those bastards at Yahoo! have Cossetta's at the wrong place. Or at least at a location that they occupied probably 50 years ago.
• Pope Benedict XVI prayed not to be elected Pope. I'm sure prayer has its place, but don't you think a well-placed "If elected I will not serve" speech would have been more effective?
• It's sad what I consider learning a lot.
  

Looks like someone is already blogging for Mean Mr. Mustard

Ron's Apartment: Penguicon - Day 1 - part 2

Yippee for you

I really wish that I brought my digital camera with me everywhere, because then I would have been able to provide a picture instead of describing what I saw today. Everyone has seen the bumber stickers that proclaim "My child is an honor roll student at Dumbsville High", or some such nonsense. Apparently there are also bumber stickers for stupid kids. A minivan that I saw today had a sticker which proclaimed, "My child is a Terrific Kid at [some school I can't remember]." Wow. Terrific, huh? That's great.

What a joke

It's a complete and utter outrage that Greg Biffle is ranked number 2. I am deeply hurt and offended.

My high score was 61

But I'm sure that can be topped.

Yikes!

I haven't blogged in 8 days! If I'm not careful I'll be as bad as Mean Mr. Mustard!

Now for Something Completely Different

A Poem:

You're flashing rain ... pouring, rolling.

I'm comin' on across a young sky.

My lightening's only a hurricane.

You're like the thunder, but I'm gonna die.

(Words taken from the first verse of AC/DC's "Hells Bells", then rearranged to my satisfaction. Feel free to play this game at home.)

Holy Crap!

I just realized something:

• Koleman - Name L OK
• Elias - Sail, E
• Milena - An Eli M
• Kelson - No slek

Dear god, what does this portend?