Great job, Larry!

You're excellent at PhotoShop, I'll give you that. I mean, this picture hardly has any flaws at all. Bravo!

Does this hurt his Hall of Fame chances?

ESPN.com - MLB - Palmeiro suspended for steroids, denies using them

Nice way to follow up the good publicity you received from joining the 3,000 hit club. "Palmeiro said he had accepted his punishment and could not explain how the steroids got into his body." Sure, I'll buy that. Probably some jealous teammate spiked his Coke. As the Green Goblin so eloquently put it, "the one thing they love more than a hero is to see a hero fail." So true.

I swear to god, STAY AWAY!!

Do not, under any circumstances, download and install Google Earth. If, by accident, you do happen to install Google Earth, PLEASE do not go to the Google Earth Community website and start poking around there. And ESPECIALLY don't visit the Earth Browsing section. For the love of God, listen to me! Once you've gone in, you'll never come out!

HELP ME!

I think they want you, Scooter

An open casting call looking for "extreme characters and hideously unattractive types." Just to warn you, though, this isn't a paid interview. Sorry.

Book Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, J.K. Rowlings

It's hard to describe accurately what one feels upon completing the latest addition to the Harry Potter series. It certainly picks up the story where Order of the Phoenix left off, but it strays a bit from the style that we've come to expect from Rowlings.

Is there wizardry? Yes, of course! But it's not exactly the same. For example, in this book Ron ventures into Knockturn Alley to meet with a shady wizard. But instead of attempting to gain information to help Harry defeat Lord Voldemort, Ron purchases a "self-enhancement" potion, in order to "increase" and "enlarge" his chances of making a "significant impression" on Hermione. (if you know what I mean)

Is there witchcraft? Again, of course! It's just that I didn't expect to read about Ginny Weasly filming an erotic home video with Professor Flitwick where they "charm the pants off one another." (and I think you know what I mean)

Probably the most surprising aspect of the book was learning that Dumbledore (the titular Half-Blood Prince) had in fact been a minion of Voldemort's all along. When his connection to the Dark Lord was revealed, he fled to London with Snape, and the two of them moved into a flat in Soho, where "Dumbledore would pay the rent, and Snape would take care of the utilities." (and I know you know what I mean)

The ending of the book is even more surprising, but I don't want to give it away for those who have yet to read it. Here's a hint though: Harry, Hagrid, two Boy Scouts, four "wands", and a ham sandwich. (oh yeah, you know what I mean)

Anyway, I give it a 99.

Furthermore

I am supposed to link to my greatest posts, so all of the losers who come here from the City Pages will know how brilliant I think I am. Or something like that. I never get these things correct.

• My archive from last September is loaded with brilliant posts. Amazing.
• Is it possible to top the adventures of Flatulence Man?
• Of course, my account of The Wiggles True Hollywood Story is a masterpiece beyond compare.
• And finally, the coop de resistor: this post. Wow.

Happy?

Have I mentioned yet

that people who read the City Pages are simple-minded fools who believe that spurning mass media options makes them somehow better than other people? Is there anything more disgusting than self-important boobs?

Larry, Quick!

Read this before you get in trouble! Beware big brother!

Mix and Match

Angelina Jolie adopts Ethiopian AIDS orphan

Reuters - Tue Jul 5,11:14 PM ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Actress Angelina Jolie is adopting a newborn Ethiopian girl orphaned by AIDS, People magazine reported on Tuesday.

Thomson-West

[Post deleted in order to make sure someone who isn't responsible for this doesn't get held responsible for this.]"Thomson-West, Eagan, MN" "Thomson-West paranoid fascist cows." testicles idiots heroin

Trivia

I just finished a series where I learned that Satan is, oddly enough, the stepfather of God. What series did I finish?

Mean Mr. Mustard has been meaning to post on this

but just hasn't found the time yet.

Is there a more meaningless statistic in baseball than the hold? The thought is valid - a way to statistically quantify the value of middle relievers. But something is obviously wrong with the implementation. Today Alan Embree got a Hold - despite the fact that all three batters he faced got on base and scored. Here's his line:

	IP	H	R	ER	BB	K	HR	Season ERA
A. Embree (H, 3)	0.0	1	3	2	1	0	0	7.79

[Straight Line:] It must be nice to have a job where you can be a complete and utter failure and still get the spoils of success.

Oh crap

The perverts have found my photo blog:

	Num	Perc.	Search Term
	2	18.18%	photos of cute boys

Subliminal Parenting

While Kelson sits in the living room reading Animal Babies, ABC, he is listening to American Idiot.

So, which is it?

Are lions noble and wonderful, or vindictive and evil? They need to make up their minds, because I'm getting confused.

Father's Day

We had a very nice Father's Day, and one that Scooter should appreciate. We (myself, my dad, my grandfather and my brother, along with our significant others and children) went to New Ulm to go on the Schell's brewery tour. It's short and simple, which is good when one member of the party is a couple months removed from knee replacement surgery. And you definitely recoup your $2 entrance fee in the taphouse afterward. We finished up the brewery tour with a trip to Happy Joe's pizza. Ah, Happy Joe's pizza...

Pizza and beer - it's easy to please fathers.

I can die a happy man, now

I just saw Bo Bice perform on the Today Show. Life is good.

I will now go shoot myself

The National Father's Day Council has announced their four finalists for Father of the Year. The finalists include Donald Trump and Larry King, who have combined for 10 marriages and 10 children. How can I compete with that?

Full Story Here.

Very odd

I can now provide Mean Mr. Mustard a reason to watch the NBA Finals. I was watching the Heat-Pistons game last night and whenever I saw Chauncey Billups I knew that he looked like somebody, but I couldn't place who. Eventually I realized that, as odd as it seems, Billups looks like Scott Hanson. Not all the time, of course, but it is especially noticeable after a call that Billups doesn't like. He and Hanson have almost the exact same expression when showing their disgust for a call.

This is the best picture I could find, and it doesn't really do the similarity justice:

It is probably wise to keep in mind, however, that I only have the brain the size of a walnut.

Ouch

I know my opinion doesn't count for much, but seeing Hakeem like this is just painful. I'm sure Mean Mr. Mustard agrees completely.