Who am I?

I heard someone attempt to describe themselves and thought that it would be a worthwhile exercise. So here is how I would describe myself:

Take all of the greatest people in the world, living or dead - the smartest, kindest, best looking, most ingenious people - and combine them together. I'm talking about people like Mother Theresa, Leonardo da Vinci, the three Alberts (Schweitzer, Einstein and Fat), John F. Kennedy, Jesus Christ. Mix all of them together, and then remove the few character flaws and imperfections that each of them had.

Next, take those character flaws and distill them for a thousand years, allowing only the most evil, the most cold-hearted, the most disgusting, and the most vile traits to remain. And truly these traits will be spectacular, for every person has the ability to be evil to the same degree that they are good. Then take the remaining mix and bake it in the fiery furnaces of Hell for another thousand years. Remove it when it is human shaped, pink skinned, and bounces back when pressed lightly.

That's me, I think.

Oh, make sure to keep all the reserved people bits from the first step. If used properly they can be the ingredients to make a Peter Jackson.

Something is so wrong with this

Best Selling artists in USA
In million of units sold:

1. The Beatles, 166.5
2. Elvis Presley, 117.5
3. Led Zeppelin, 106
4. Garth Brooks, 105
5. The Eagles, 88

Source: Recording Industry Association of America

Blogging is all fun and games, until the boss finds out - Feb. 14, 2005

Blogging is all fun and games, until the boss finds out - Feb. 14, 2005

Mean Mr. Mustard and Scooter had better pay attention to this story. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure that no matter what I post I'm not getting fired.

Bwahahahaha!!

I kid you not

This story is easily the best thing I've seen in a long time. It completely restores my faith in humanity.

Lawrence K. Davies

is my new favorite person. Love him!

For Larry

I used the BlogThis! link for the first time, and look what it got me: NaNa!!!: Just Thinking...

If you ask me

There is no better phrase in the English language than "Franky G is Jonny Zero."

Good News

Nothing makes my day like hearing about the death of someone who I had assumed had been dead for a quarter century. Happy times.

Based on the trailer

Constantine looks to be the worst movie made in many years. I'm sure Ming will let us know for sure.

In the Dark of the Night

In the dark of the night the beast awoke. Hungering for flesh, the monster lifted its head, sniffing the air. Somewhere deep in the recesses of its mind there was a flicker of recognition - the scent that it detected was not entirely new. More importantly, the beast understood the simplicity of his night's mission. He must track that scent, find its source, and destroy it; all other activities were secondary to that primal urge.

Arising from its lair, the beast stretched its long, lanky frame. It sniffed the air again, confirming the direction that its travels must go. He began his journey, northward through the forest, slowly at first. As his limbs loosened - how long had I slept? - he increased his speed, until he was nothing more than a blur racing between trees and over streams.

As the cool wind whipped his face, the monster started to remember things. Small bits of information; things learned ages ago in a world so different than the one in which he currently dwelled. I am Yaz-gael. It comforted him to know that he had a name. His pace quickened. The miles flew by.

He remembered being born. The fire searing his flesh. The cruel marks being cut into his legs. The commands written into the very fabric of his being. Hunt. Find. Destroy. Was he still controlled by those beings? The Mahl-grok. He remembered their name, as well. Names are important; it is unwise to kill something without knowing its name.

Yaz-gael slowed and came to a stop. He was in a wooded valley, with mountains rising high above him to the east and west. Before him a rock jutted out of the ground, cracked and marked, looking almost like a hooded man, covered with a great cloak. He remembered this place. Great evil was done here. He could not remember who had performed the vile acts, but he knew he was involved. The blood spoiled the earth. Indeed, nothing grew within a yard of the rock.

Turning aside, he headed north, and began to run again.

The beast sniffed the air again, and quickly stopped. The scent had changed. He knows I am coming for him. He is not alone. It did not matter to Yaz-gael. Once started, a hunt could not be stopped. He continued on, but more slowly this time. He is close.

"Call off your hunt."

A cloaked figure stepped out from behind a tree. "I can not allow you to pass. You must call off your hunt. I am a warden of Dim-al-garong, and you are forbidden here." The figure slowly drew his sword from the scabbard at his side.

Yaz-gael examined the warden. One of the Loren-folk. He lifted his grotesque head and spoke for the first time in years, "Your name." The sound of his voice was unwelcome in the forest; it seemed to come from fetid pools deep within the recesses of the earth. The trees appeared to recoil from the sound.

The warden took a step back and responded slowly, unwillingly, "I am Dal Hond."

"Dal Hond."

As the beast spoke the warden's name, he became a blur. Before the man was able to raise his sword his arm was cut from his body. Claws sharp as knives ripped through his throat, silencing him before he screamed.

Yaz-gael licked the blood from one of his claws. It is not time to feed yet. Soon. He advanced slowly through the woods, the scent of his prey becoming more pronounced. A light flickered ahead. He continued on, and approached the source of the light, a fire burning just inside the entrance to a cave. As he stepped into the clearing in front of the cave he sensed a disturbance in the air.

Quickly reaching up, he snatched the arrow before it struck his head. He once again became a blur, racing to his left, around a tree, coming up behind the warden who had loosed the arrow.

"Your name."

The warden tried to run, but his legs would not work. He fell to the ground, helplessly. He whimpered, "I am Nash Tole."

"Nash Tole."

Nash looked up and saw the firelight reflected in Yaz-gael's hideous eyes. He began to scream, but no sound ever came out of his mouth.

The beast walked over the warden's body and came to the cave entrance. Sitting beside the fire, facing the entrance, was a young boy, perhaps ten or eleven years old. The boy looked at Yaz-gael with clear blue eyes. "I told them to let me wait for you alone, but they thought they could protect me. They have not met your kind before."

"Your name."

The beast's voice seemed to fill the cave with a foul stench. The fire flickered and dimmed. The boy looked at Yaz-gael and laughed; a clear sparkling sound that chased the beast's stench out of the cave. "You have no power over me, monster. But it matters not, you already know my name."

The beast looked at the boy. Memories flickered in his head. Images of ages long past - fire, pain, laughter? He shook his head. The hunt was on, and it had to be finished. He had a single purpose. Yes, he knew the boy's name, and he spoke it to him, "Kahl Brin."

"Yes, that is my name," the boy answered, rising, "and now our game begins in earnest."

And he vanished.

Surprise!

So this weekend we watched two movies: Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! (RottenTomatoes rating: 53%), and Collateral (RottenTomatoes rating: 85%). Now, I don't claim to be on the cutting edge of art and culture, like some people, so my views are probably not worth the pixels they're displayed on. Regardless, I thought that WaDwTH! was easily a better, more entertaining movie than Collateral. Of course, once I admit to having a man-crush on Topher Grace (who has an uncanny resemblance to Bjarki Steinn Traustason), this entire post makes much more sense.

A Game or a Challenge

Here are the top ten entries in Eddie Murphy's filmography, sorted by ratings:

1. (8.10) - Shrek (2001)
2. (7.69) - Shrek 2 (2004)
3. (7.63) - Eddie Murphy Delirious (1983) (TV)
4. (7.29) - Trading Places (1983)
5. (7.19) - Mulan (1998)
6. (7.09) - Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
7. (6.83) - Saturday Night Live: The Best of Eddie Murphy (1998) (V)
8. (6.69) - 48 Hrs. (1982)
9. (6.61) - Dangerous: The Short Films (1993) (V)
10. (6.59) - Coming to America (1988)

Three kids movies, one raunchy stand up comedy, one SNL best-of, the Murphy golden tri-fecta, a Micheal Jackson video collection, and the movie which was the turning point of his career. The challenge is to find something with more variety and more extremes than this.

Additionally, two clicks away from that page was an artist who has an extremely large body of work. For some reason, though, he was always playing "himself". Odd.

More Harry Potter Insanity

The real question for any fan of the Harry Potter series is what sort of resolution there will be between Harry and Professor Snape. While they are enemies inside the confines of Hogwarts, they are apparently allies in the greater Good vs. Evil scheme. Does it make sense for Harry to finally best Snape if Severus helps defeat Lord Voldemort? Or will Snape defect to the Dark Side, allowing Harry to send seven years of resentment and hatred his way? Or will they put aside their differences, turn Draco Malfoy into a giant houka, and smoke their way to eternal enlightenment?

Trust me, this is much more important than the search for WMD's in Iraq.

What? They stopped looking? Oh, right.

Hold the Palantír!

There was actually a 17 year delay between Frodo getting the ring and leaving on his quest. Hello, Mr. Jackson - did you bother to even read the damn book?!?!?

I really liked the movies, but now that I'm starting to see inaccuracies, I'm not so sure.

Trying to improve my chances of getting found in a Google search

Gotta give it a shot:

• lesbian
  
• xxx
  
• anna kournikova
  
• sex
  
• daniel baldwin
  

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes Quote of the Day

"Very sorry to knock you up, Watson," said he, "but it's the common lot this morning. Mrs. Hudson has been knocked up, she retorted upon me, and I on you."

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

"Don't go where I can't follow."

It's a tough life

Yesterday was Michelle's birthday. For her special birthday dinner she asked - nay, forced! - me to provide for her Nick-N-Willy's pizza and beer. Pizza and beer! The things I endure for love!

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

Though they won't admit it, women were much happier when all they had to do was bake shit and pump out kids.

America (The Book), Quote of the Day

2. What does "bicameral" mean? Are any of the girls in your class "bicameral?"